Sunday, September 21, 2014

Guilt Absolved

We got in a fight. I was disrespectful. He was disrespectful. He stormed out of the house and was gone for a few hours.

He texted me later:

"I'm sorry I left the way I did, babe. I thought it was a good opportunity to be a Dom, but I blew it by storming out."

.     .     .

There is no rule that an HoH has to be perfect in every situation. Passion and emotion can get the best of anyone, at times, and my husband and I both work to keep our negative emotions in control when we disagree. We've learned a lot already and we work hard at it, but, inevitably, we misstep and both act the way we don't want to act sometimes.

I know this question gets thrown around a lot in reference to DD, but how does an HoH handle a situation where a punishment would be helpful, but both he and his partner are at fault for something? 

I suppose in any DD relationship, since no HoH on earth is perfect, there has to be an agreement that an HoH can use punishment in a situation that merits it, even when he has made a mistake as well. I can't speak for other couples (in fact, I'm interested to hear how others have handled this), but I can tell you how we deal with it.

This is something I foresaw when we first started DD. I knew there would be times when we both made mistakes--where we both said things we didn't mean. But I convinced my husband that it was OK for us to absolve our guilt differently. I reassured him that I would not hold a grudge against him when he needed to punish me for something he himself had also done. In fact, I asked him if he would spank me when we fought or argued disrespectfully, so that I could get rid of my bad feelings and move on from it. I told him, I would do whatever he wanted to help him move on from those situations, as well--though I knew he wouldn't be asking me to spank him, haha.

So it was, when we argued the other night, I hoped he would come home and give me the spanking I knew I deserved. But it seemed his conscience wouldn't allow him to punish me for something we'd both done. He decided not to spank or punish me for my role in our earlier fight. At first, I thought I was OK with it, but, as the night wore on, I felt as if there were still a wall between us--as if something were preventing us from moving on.

Upon my request, he finally took me over his lap before bed.

"The way you acted this evening was not acceptable, young lady," he said, as he smacked my bare cheeks. "Yes, we were both disrespectful, but this is how I deal with your disrespect."

He used only his hand to punish me, and I felt my hard feelings from the argument melting away with each blow.

His smacks were hard and firm for several minutes as he lectured me about disrespect. Then, they subsided into lighter, more playful smacks, and I knew the punishment was over. It was becoming something else.

We recently decided to clearly differentiate between pleasure and punishment spankings, but this seamless transition between the two did not bother me. I knew that I had been punished and that now I was supposed to enjoy the rest.

His playful smacks turned into light taps in all the right places. I squirmed over his lap, begging with my actions for him to stop teasing me, and he sternly told me to "Calm down, young lady," which only made things worse.

Finally, he flipped me over and did something to absolve his guilt ;)


  1. Hi Autumn,
    How great that your husband apologized and realized his wrongdoing. In our house, that is what ifs required when the hoh makes a mistake. And like you, if I was an accomplice, I would be punished for my part. Glad things worked out for you two :-)

  2. Hey Autumn,
    We've definitely had these issues in the past...probably will again. Like you said, we are all human and emotions get the best of us at times. This has been a evolving process for us, at first he wouldn't punish if he had anything to do with the situation or escalating the situation. He felt too guilty, and I was happy with that decision. What we noticed was, I would push the line and the disrespect because I knew he wouldn't do anything about it, and I was usually angry with him. He does punish now for my reactions and my disrespect, and it just works better for us. It's probably the absolution of guilt and clearing the air. My husband apologizes for his part (pre-DD apologies were rare, one more great thing about this lifestyle) and tries to make amends for his part in our fight. It probably seems unfair to those on the outside, but I think it just works better.
    I'm so glad he came back to you, apologized and made everything right! So happy for both of you!


    1. I agree, it probably seems totally unfair, but it definitely works for us. We all have different ways of moving on from things, and, in DD, that usually involves someone getting spanked, lol.

  3. Hi Autumn, sounds to me that you two have got this part sorted well. It is hard when they are at fault just as much as us and your evening seems to have ended out very nicely
    love Jan,xx

  4. I enjoyed reading how you handle such a situation. It seems good to me. The only thing I would have a problem with would be if it were something more serious that had repercussive and damaging effects. Then I think the husband should work to rectify the situation as soon as possible, as well as apologise to the wife, although I think a spanking if she has been disrespectful would be in order and probably necessary.

    What does annoy me is if the husband spanks the wife for something, and then they discover that she was right all along. This hasn't happened, fortunately, in the two years we've been doing TTWD/DD, but it has happened in the past and led to many a problem. What would you do in such a situation? It's not an easy one to answer.

    Glad to know things are going well for you both.


    1. Good question, Ami. I tend to move on from spankings pretty quickly, so if it turned out that I had been in the right, he would probably do something extra special to make up for it, and we'd end up laughing about it later.

  5. Hi Autumn, the agreement your husband and you have, is almost identical to ours. When we have a fight and both add our share to intensify it, he tries to stick to time-outs. But it doesn’t always work and until we have talked this through, the mood for both of us is pretty bad. We hate that and usually come together again soon, to make up.
    I would expect a punishment for adding to a fight, and without a real consequence, I would feel as if I had cheated somehow. From hubby’s side I would expect an apology, if he added to the fight. I think that an apology is all hubby needs to do. If he is not satisfied with his way of making up he does more, e.g. being especially attentive, cooking a favourite meal of mine, squeezing in additional moments for us in busy times.
    Actually I think that it is easy for me to get rid of this feeling of guilt, compared to him. Hubby decides on a punishment I am to receive, he punishes me and I can move on. But when hubby blunders, he puts a lot more pressure on himself and it often takes longer for him to be able to move on, even after he has made amends. I think it is because he wants to lead by example but he also knows that this simply cannot always work.
    We talk a lot about such moments and this is an additional part of getting some relief from guilt for both of us. Well, this and make up sex. :-)
    I am glad that your husband apologized and wanted this situation cleared. That’s great and for me this shows so much that he takes your relationship seriously and acts like the HoH. And I definitely loved to read that this fight found such a pleasant and satisfying ending.



    1. I agree, I think there is A LOT of pressure on Doms to do the right thing always and not to hold us to higher standards than they hold themselves. In a way, though, I see the standards as being the same, there are simply different consequences for me than there are for him, which works in our relationship.

  6. Autumn,
    I am not sure how I have missed your blog and I just checked my comments and you have not commented on mine. So let's get to know one another. My email is on my blog.

    1. Nice to meet you Meredith--can't wait to check out your blog!