Welcome to my new blog series for the next few days!
Yes, I've read them. I won't comment on the writing, since that subject has been thoroughly trashed and exhausted by pretty much everyone. The point is, the books were written, and they were a smash hit. And now many women may be fantasizing about this type of beautiful relationship, that we know to be about a delicate exchange of dominance and submission between two caring, often loving partners.
With everyone and their mother now weighing in on the subject, I've seen BDSM, as a whole, equated to abuse. In fact, I saw a sweeping statement made by a psychiatrist that said "A healthy woman dreams about wedding gowns, not handcuffs." Really??? What kind of psychiatrist makes that sort of generalization about "healthy women?" (Remind me never to see her, should I seek therapy.)
This may be a long list--some of the points very obvious--but it's worth writing, and I'm all about symbolism. I'm even dividing them into phases to ensure posts that aren't a mile long. This first phase is the "Getting to Know You" phase of my series. So, here goes--50 Right Ways to Approach BDSM/TTWD:
Getting to Know You
1. Christian Grey finds out where Ana works and shows up uninvited--a healthy dominant asks where his potential partner works in the course of getting to know her and does not show up there, unless invited.
2. Christian Grey visibly changes his demeanor when Ana talks to other men--a healthy dominant realizes that a potential partner will inevitably talk to other men and is OK with the fact that she may even choose to pursue a relationship with one of them--after all, there are plenty of fish in the sea.
3. Christian Grey tells Ana that she should find him intimidating--a healthy dominant is warm and approachable to a potential partner, because he wants to establish a trusting relationship in which neither party is intimidated.
4. Christian Grey warns Ana to stay away from him--a healthy dominant knows that he is a safe person and will do his best to convey that to a potential partner.
5. Christian Grey tracks Ana's whereabouts through her mobile phone and, again, shows up uninvited--a healthy dominant gives a potential partner space to live her own life and, again, only shows up when invited.
6. Christian Grey takes Ana back to his hotel room when she is too drunk to consent and even remember what happened--a healthy dominant only invites a potential partner to his hotel room when both parties are sober and able to consent.
7. Christian Grey says "If you were mine, you wouldn't be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday"--a healthy dominant does not use threatening language like this, unless the potential partner is, in fact, his and has consented to being his.
8. Christian Grey finds out where Ana lives without telling her--a healthy dominant will, at a comfortable and natural stage in the relationship, ask where a potential partner lives, and, again, not show up unless invited.
9. Christian Grey shows Ana that she will have to sign a non-disclosure agreement--a healthy dominant AND a healthy submissive are comfortable and trusting enough of each other, that they can make a mutual, verbal agreement to keep the details of their adult activities private.
10. Christian Grey overwhelms Ana with a long contract and demands a list of her "hard limits" before she is ready--a healthy dominant will make a new partner as comfortable as possible, and will slowly introduce desired elements of BDSM by asking first, when he thinks she is ready.
That's it for this post...and this was just the Getting to Know You phase! To recap what a healthy dominant does when looking for a potential partner in BDSM:
- asks for details of his partner's life in the natural course of getting to know her
- does not show up uninvited
- gives her space
- makes her feel comfortable and tries to gain her trust
- gets her consent before doing or saying anything as "her" dominant
- ensures there is mutual trust and respect for privacy before starting anything
- eases his partner slowly into his style of BDSM, by introducing one thing at a time, and asking first
Stay tuned for the next phase!