50 Right Ways to Approach BDSM/TTWD: Second Thoughts

Welcome to part 4 of my "Approach to BDSM" series for the 50 Shades of Grey fan!

Previous posts:

Getting to Know You
Make a Decision
Not So Fast and Furious

The next phase I want to cover is "Second Thoughts," as in, you've met a partner, you've tried BDSM, and maybe it wasn't what you thought it was gonna be. Maybe you want to slow down, or maybe you're re-thinking your interest in the lifestyle altogether. First of all, having second thoughts is completely normal; everybody--even experienced "pros"--has them. Secondly, there are things a good dominant should do if his partner is having doubts that will ease her mind and allow the couple to take a step back.

At this point, it really is needless to say, Christian Grey does not do what a good dominant should do when Ana has second thoughts about their activities together. The following list differentiates what Christian does during "Second Thoughts" and what a healthy dominant does:

36. When Ana says that she can no longer take punishments from Christian Grey, they have an argument and, at her prompting, he hits her hard with his belt--a healthy dominant never, ever spanks his sub right after having an argument; if his partner says she no longer likes the arrangement, he sits down with her and listens to all of her doubts and second feelings; even if she decides to stay, he gives his partner time to think and regroup before resuming any activities.

37. When Ana needs a break from the relationship, Christian Grey sends her roses, cards, emails, and car rides--a healthy dominant stays away when his partner needs a break.

38. When Christian Grey attends a photography exhibition with Ana, he buys seven large portraits of her--when a sub decides that she'd like to spend time with him again, a healthy dominant keeps dates friendly and low-key without any extravagant shows of possession.

39. When Ana tells Christian Grey that she can't relax around him because he intimidates her, he blames her for not communicating with him more--a healthy dominant frequently listens for and pays attention to open admissions of feelings from his sub, and he encourages her to communicate by asking her questions and giving her space, not blaming her.

40. When Ana and Christian Grey are on a break, he takes her into a dark alleyway, kisses her, and tells her she is his--again, a healthy dominant takes a break seriously and gives his partner space when she needs it; he does not show any sign of possession or dominance when on a break from a relationship.

41. Christian Grey berates Ana for not using her safe word when he hit her previously with his belt, and then he threatens to spank her in public when she's too upset to eat--a healthy dominant realizes that, if his sub was too angry or emotional to use her safe word, something was seriously wrong with the scene; he never, ever blames his partner for not being sure when to use a safe word and does not threaten her in public when she has not consented to it.

42. Christian Grey tells Ana that he'll "do the vanilla thing" for her until he can trust her to communicate openly and honestly with him--a healthy dominant does not intimidate or manipulate his partner into communicating with him, but rather earns her honest communication through encouragement and attentiveness to her thoughts and feelings.

43. Christian Grey buys the company where Ana works, so he can control her career--does this one even need explaining? Just, no.

44. Christian Grey tracks Ana's bank account number and deposits $24,000 that she has previously rejected--a healthy dominant does not give his partner unwanted gifts or bribes.

45. Christian Grey takes Ana to get a haircut from his ex-partner--an older woman who sexually abused Christian when he was a child--a healthy dominant gets therapy when he needs it (and Christian Grey clearly needs it) and never takes his partner to a place where she may unexpectedly come face to face with an abusive child molester.

46. Against Ana's will, Christian Grey picks her up, screaming, in public, throws her over his shoulder, spanks her, and takes her to his apartment--it doesn't matter what the situation is, a healthy dominant does not publicly show possession or dominance toward a partner who has not consented to it, especially in public.

47. Christian Grey invites a doctor over to prescribe his preferred method of birth control to Ana--a healthy dominant allows his partner control over her own bodily functions, unless she has consented otherwise.

48. Christian Grey repeatedly tells Ana that he is unworthy of her love until she contradicts him--a healthy dominant knows he is worthy of a partner's love because he has self esteem and confidence in himself; he may share insecurities with his partner, but not as a manipulative tool to earn her love and affection.

49. Christian Grey tells Ana she is not allowed to go to work--a healthy dominant does not hinder his partner's career in any way; he separates BDSM activities from work life.

50. During an argument, Christian Grey "submits" to Ana by refusing to speak or look at her, only "coming around" when she starts to talk down about herself and make general apologies--first of all, refusing to speak or look at someone during an argument is not submission; a healthy dominant apologizes when he's done something wrong and does not use submission as a technique for receiving forgiveness.

I'll admit, I lumped in those last few items with this list, simply because they were too ridiculous to include as a separate section. In summary, Christian Grey is terrible at giving Ana a break from him and terrible at validating her doubts and second thoughts about BDSM. Their approach is so unhealthy, I felt compelled to write an entire series on how to approach BDSM in a healthy, safe way.

Approaching BDSM safely includes validating all second thoughts and negative feelings, and taking a step back or a break, when needed. No one is expected to jump into BDSM head first without ever coming up for air. In order to avoid a scary, overwhelming experience, a healthy dominant:

• takes all of his partner's apprehensions seriously
• comforts her and does not place blame for bad experiences
• is able to recognize red flags--like upset, painful feelings after a session
• gives her time and space when she needs it
• slowly eases back into activities after a break
• gets consent for a SECOND time
• listens and waits patiently for honest communication
• re-earns trust

50 Right Ways to Approach BDSM/TTWD: Making a Decision

Welcome to Part 2 of my series!

To read the first portion, Getting to Know You, click here. I started this series as a way to differentiate between healthy BDSM/TTWD and the version of BDSM that is portrayed in the popular book series, and now movie, 50 Shades of Grey.

I'm going to call Part 2 the "Making a Decision" phase. This phase happens after partners have gotten to know each other, and are now considering trying BDSM with each other. This is a period where both partners must take the time to consider each other's wants and desires, and make an informed decision about whether they want to pursue the relationship or not.

Once again, this series is meant to differentiate between the wrong way and the right way. Since the wrong way seems to have made its way into mainstream entertainment, I feel compelled to clarify that there is a healthy way to approach decision-making in BDSM, and FSOG is not the manual for how to do it. Here is the next list of points on 50 Right Ways to Approach BDSM/TTWD:

Making a Decision

11. Christian Grey is annoyed by Ana's virginity, and sees taking it as an aggressive means to an end, rather than a special occasion--a healthy dominant who is highly more experienced than his partner starts slowly, and allows his inexperienced partner the time and care to fully feel, savor, and process each new experience.

12. After "ripping through" Ana's virginity with no respect for the occasion, Christian Grey has sex with her again, admitting that he wants her to be sore every time she moves the next day--a healthy dominant, again, takes new experiences SLOWLY, and does not attempt to give his inexperienced partner lasting damage during their first encounter, especially if it's her first encounter ever.

13. Christian Grey tells Ana he doesn't like to share her, referring to a phone conversation she has with a male friend--a healthy dominant realizes that he is not the center of his partner's universe, and that she has a right to time and conversation with other friends and family.

14. Christian Grey attempts to hurry Ana into signing his BDSM contract before she is ready--a healthy dominant does not need to hurry his partner into anything, because he has taken the time to establish a trusting relationship that does not put pressure on his partner to do anything she doesn't want to do.

15. Christian Grey's contract states that Ana must ask his permission to leave the relationship--a healthy dominant makes it clear that his partner can end the dominant/submissive relationship at any time, no questions asked.

16. When Ana needs time to think about what she wants, Christian Grey sends her a series of friendly, flirtatious emails to show her his "nice" side--a healthy dominant gives his partner time and space to figure out what she wants, and doesn't try to manipulate her decision in any way.

17. Ana tells Christian Grey ("jokingly," via email) that she's not interested, and he shows up at her house so angry, that she actually looks around her room for an escape route--a healthy dominant accepts it when a partner is no longer interested, and, if he wants to talk further, asks his partner to talk in person, instead of showing up, once again, uninvited.

18. Instead of talking about the problem, Christian Grey forces himself sexually on Ana, despite her protests and attempts to kick him off of her--a healthy dominant and a decent human being does not force himself sexually on his partner when she doesn't want it. THIS IS RAPE--THIS IS NOT OK.

19. Christian Grey insists on meeting privately, when Ana would much rather meet publicly--a healthy dominant does everything he can to make his partner feel safe and secure, including meeting in a public place to talk about the relationship.

20. Christian Grey uses Ana's sexual attraction to him as a means to getting what he wants--a healthy dominant does not use sexual attraction as a technique for manipulating his partner's wants and desires; he respects her wishes and doesn't try to "change her mind."

21. Christian Grey does not honor Ana's wish for space to think things through--for the love of God, a healthy dominant, again, gives his partner the time and space she needs to decide what she wants.

22. Christian Grey grabs and locks Ana in a locker room to inquire why she hasn't been responding to his texts and emails--a healthy dominant waits patiently for his partner's consent to a relationship, and doesn't forcibly confront her about it.

There we are--the "Making a Decision" phase--that period of indecision or hesitancy that may accompany the beginning of a BDSM/TTWD relationship. How you go about this phase affects everything that happens down the road. In fact, the health of the entire relationship depends on whether this phase has been done right or not. I think we can agree that Christian Grey and Ana have done it the wrong way.

To sum up what a healthy dominant does during the decision-making process:

• gives his partner time and space to think clearly
• does nothing to manipulate or influence her decision
• does everything possible to make her feel safe
• does not force anything on her
• takes new experiences with her slowly, and not without her consent

OK, we're almost to the actual relationship phase--stay tuned!

50 Right Ways to Approach BDSM/TTWD: Getting to Know You

Welcome to my new blog series for the next few days!

In honor of Valentines Day and the questionable movie/book series that is being associated with romance this particular Valentines Day, I'd like to differentiate (for anyone wondering) between a healthy approach to BDSM/TTWD and what is portrayed in these popular books.

Yes, I've read them. I won't comment on the writing, since that subject has been thoroughly trashed and exhausted by pretty much everyone. The point is, the books were written, and they were a smash hit. And now many women may be fantasizing about this type of beautiful relationship, that we know to be about a delicate exchange of dominance and submission between two caring, often loving partners. 

With everyone and their mother now weighing in on the subject, I've seen BDSM, as a whole, equated to abuse. In fact, I saw a sweeping statement made by a psychiatrist that said "A healthy woman dreams about wedding gowns, not handcuffs." Really??? What kind of psychiatrist makes that sort of generalization about "healthy women?" (Remind me never to see her, should I seek therapy.) 

This may be a long list--some of the points very obvious--but it's worth writing, and I'm all about symbolism. I'm even dividing them into phases to ensure posts that aren't a mile long. This first phase is the "Getting to Know You" phase of my series. So, here goes--50 Right Ways to Approach BDSM/TTWD:

Getting to Know You

1. Christian Grey finds out where Ana works and shows up uninvited--a healthy dominant asks where his potential partner works in the course of getting to know her and does not show up there, unless invited.

2. Christian Grey visibly changes his demeanor when Ana talks to other men--a healthy dominant realizes that a potential partner will inevitably talk to other men and is OK with the fact that she may even choose to pursue a relationship with one of them--after all, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

3. Christian Grey tells Ana that she should find him intimidating--a healthy dominant is warm and approachable to a potential partner, because he wants to establish a trusting relationship in which neither party is intimidated.

4. Christian Grey warns Ana to stay away from him--a healthy dominant knows that he is a safe person and will do his best to convey that to a potential partner.

5. Christian Grey tracks Ana's whereabouts through her mobile phone and, again, shows up uninvited--a healthy dominant gives a potential partner space to live her own life and, again, only shows up when invited.

6. Christian Grey takes Ana back to his hotel room when she is too drunk to consent and even remember what happened--a healthy dominant only invites a potential partner to his hotel room when both parties are sober and able to consent.

7. Christian Grey says "If you were mine, you wouldn't be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday"--a healthy dominant does not use threatening language like this, unless the potential partner is, in fact, his and has consented to being his.

8. Christian Grey finds out where Ana lives without telling her--a healthy dominant will, at a comfortable and natural stage in the relationship, ask where a potential partner lives, and, again, not show up unless invited.

9. Christian Grey shows Ana that she will have to sign a non-disclosure agreement--a healthy dominant AND a healthy submissive are comfortable and trusting enough of each other, that they can make a mutual, verbal agreement to keep the details of their adult activities private.

10. Christian Grey overwhelms Ana with a long contract and demands a list of her "hard limits" before she is ready--a healthy dominant will make a new partner as comfortable as possible, and will slowly introduce desired elements of BDSM by asking first, when he thinks she is ready.

That's it for this post...and this was just the Getting to Know You phase! To recap what a healthy dominant does when looking for a potential partner in BDSM:

• asks for details of his partner's life in the natural course of getting to know her
• does not show up uninvited
• gives her space
• makes her feel comfortable and tries to gain her trust
• gets her consent before doing or saying anything as "her" dominant
• ensures there is mutual trust and respect for privacy before starting anything
• eases his partner slowly into his style of BDSM, by introducing one thing at a time, and asking first

Stay tuned for the next phase!

Secretary

The movie Secretary came out when I was in high school (sorry to make anyone feel old by that statement). At that time, already an avid spanko, I was a devoted lurker of the online spanking community. (Another apology guys, those "18 and over" warnings are there to make you feel good, not to actually deter anyone under 18). So it was that the first reviews I ever saw on the movie came from fellow spankos. It seemed everyone generally liked the movie, albeit with some complaints (specifically that the female protagonist is fresh out of a mental institution at the beginning of the movie--she's institutionally crazy so she must be submissive!)

I decided in high school that I had to see for myself what this movie was all about, so I watched it...alone. I don't remember much of it. I was too young to really get it, because, although I was into spanking I was turned off by BDSM, so I did not grasp the subtle nuances of power exchange and D/s between the characters. I walked away from the movie wishing there had been more spanking scenes, hahaha.

A few days ago, my husband and I watched it for the first time together. He'd never seen it before and I hadn't seen it since high school. Holy cow, what a different experience. Let's just say I've grown up now, and I understood all the subtle nuances of the intense battle between sexual and emotional desire and societal norms/obligations.

Let's back up, though. I jumped on the 50 Shades of Grey bandwagon two years ago and read the book series all the way through in about a week. I admittedly panted through most of the spanking and sex scenes, but generally thought that the books were terribly written with a plot ripped off from Twilight (also terribly written), and characters that were about as "relatable" as a pile of cow manure.

Well, re-watching Secretary not only confirmed those suspicions that 50 Shades is absolute shit, but I also realized about, oh, 5 minutes in, that the author also jacked over half of the beautiful, subtle, and powerful niceties of this movie, starting with the name of James Spader's character, E. Edward Grey (come on, that can't be a coincidence!) It was as if E.L. James saw Secretary, read Twilight, and thought "Hey, there's an idea...except I'll make the characters even better by making one an abusive, emo, billionaire control freak who gives up pretty much all of his sexual fantasies and life goals for an unbelievably naive, virgin, vanilla college girl who thinks her man's abusive and obsessive behavior is totally "going to change for her" because they're in love, of course."

Sarcasm aside, I understand the draw of 50 Shades of Grey, I really do. There's a reason it's so god damn popular. But after watching Secretary, I thought, now here is the closest our world has ever come to being realistically depicted in Hollywood, and here we are bitching that the protagonist isn't quite as feminist/strong/normal as we would have liked. Come on, people! I think it's time we make a vow that, on February 14th, when 50 Shades of Grey hits movie theaters, we spankos/DDers/Dsers/TTWDers cozy up at home with our significant others and rent Secretary.

Whether you re-enact the scenes afterward is totally up to you.

For more information on why Secretary "should be viewed immediately" and 50 Shades of Grey never, see this article on Buzzfeed (yes, Buzzfeed!)

Interrogation: Part I

Boy, did I get it good last night. More on that in Part II of this story, but, for now, let me describe the events that led to it.

A whole host of things happened throughout the evening to irritate me: it was my day off work, so I spent hours cleaning the kitchen and making a nice pork roast and cobbler dessert. I asked my husband if he wanted to clean up after dinner (we'll get to the wording of this request later). He hummed, hawed, and sighed about it, so I got up in a huff.

"Fine, I'll do it. Don't worry about it," I said, as I made my way into the kitchen. At that moment, I took the spoon out of a boiling hot BBQ sauce on the stove and it splattered all over my jeans, shirt, and feet :(

Later (after I changed, unloaded the dishwasher, and my husband cleaned up ;), we were sitting in the living room, and we somehow got into a debate on global warming, which irritated me to no end (I honestly don't know how we get into these topics).

The debate wound down into cantankerous silence, and he asked if I wanted to go for a walk, which I did. We stepped out into the late summer night and walked together around the neighborhood. I was somewhat distant, and, at one point, he asked if I wanted to walk separately. I said no, and a few minutes later, he turned me to him, grabbed my hair, and kissed me for several minutes right in the middle of the street. We walked for a few more minutes, when he did it a second time.

"Again?" I asked.

"What do you mean "again," he said. "I can stop and kiss you whenever I want."

I didn't argue with that, because it was really turning me on, kissing there in the middle of the street.

But by the time we got home, the "mood" had gone, and we were back to sitting in silence in the living room. I was unhappy, and he could tell.

"Come on," he led me to the bedroom, where we had a "discussion" over his lap. I was feeling particularly defiant and didn't bother to call him "sir." I laid out all my feelings and frustrations over his knee, and we talked about how I should word my requests from now on when I want his help. Apparently "Do you want to clean the kitchen" is not a good way to ask for help...

"You know what it comes down to, young lady. You're a woman. And you know I would do anything for my woman. If you word something in such a way that makes it seem like I'm helping you out, you're a lot more likely to get a positive response from me," he said. "If you ask me if I want to do a household chore, then no, I'm never going to want to do a household chore."

"I'll keep that in mind," I said, and then we thought of examples of how I could word requests in the future.

At this point, our "discussion" was just that--a discussion, and I was not getting the spanking and the submission I craved. He told me to roll off his lap, but I was not done.

"I want more," I said. "Will you please give me more?"

To be continued...

The Good, the Bad, and the Beautiful: The Good

There were three separate episodes that occurred between my husband and me this weekend, about which I want to write.  For length's sake, I'm going to separate them into three different posts.  I'm obviously excited to share the good and the beautiful stories with you, but I feel obligated to share the bad one, too, since I want my readers to understand that this lifestyle is not always easy for us, and that it doesn't all come "naturally."  I know everyone who practices DD struggles with it at times, but I know that I often want to gloss over the bad parts or the struggles and write about the things that worked (I suspect there are others who do this too).  My hopes in blogging about this lifestyle were, originally, to document every aspect of it, good and bad, so I want to share it all.  But I will start with the good, since, overall, it really was an amazing weekend.

First of all, my husband is home!!!!!  He was gone for a month this time, taking a class for the army.  I kept pretty busy while he was gone, but I still missed him immensely.  And although I would prefer we were always together, sometimes I think that it's good for us to be apart.  The passion and physical attraction we feel for each other after time spent apart is beyond anything I've ever experienced, even during the "puppy love" phase of our relationship.

My husband is good at building me up--setting my expectations.  He's good at teasing me.  The threat of a spanking, a punishment, or a lecture from him sends shivers down my spine and butterflies into my stomach. On the car ride home from the airport, I was practically panting at the steering wheel, trying to maintain my composure while various promises and threats came at me from the handsome man in the passenger seat.

As soon as we arrived home, we dropped all the luggage on the floor and embraced.  It felt so good to be in his arms again after a month away from them.  We both knew we had to be intimate right away--there was no putting off this craving for each others' attention.  The only conundrum was what kind of intimacy we should start with.  My husband kept a list of my misdeeds while he was gone, so there was no question about whether I needed to be punished; the question was when it should be.

"Do I need to punish you now or can it wait till later?" he asked.  "This is my way of asking you what you want right now."

"I guess we should do it now and get it over with," I said.  Then we can get to the good part, I thought to myself.

"To the bedroom, young lady," he replied.  "And strip down."

I made my way to the bedroom, stripped down, and waited for him to follow me in.  He had promised a couple of weeks ago that my punishments would not happen all at once.  I knew they would be spread out over the weekend/week, so I wondered what I would be punished for today.  And I wondered if it was going to be the "big one"--the long one with many implements, severe lectures, and corner time that he promised me during the car ride home.  I was hoping it wouldn't be--I wanted to hurry up and get to the good part :)

It was for disrespect.

During my week of "that time of the month," I was apparently very disrespectful in our nightly phone conversations--I got defensive often, argued a lot, snapped at him, became exasperated, etc...  I would say respect is the top priority in our relationship.  Our entire DD lifestyle is built on the fact that we trust and respect each other, so when I disrespect him in any way, it undermines the foundation of our relationship.

I lay naked over his lap, listening to his lecture on respect as he rubbed my bottom.  Then he began spanking me with his hand.  Hard.  My butt was out of practice.  The whole time he spanked me, I just wanted it to be over.  I wanted him so much, and, as he spanked me, I would intermittently squeeze his hand, rub his back, and hug his knee.  He sensed my desire for it to be over (he later told me that he also wanted to "get to the good part") and, before I even got into the "space," he flipped me over and made love to me. Three times.

To be continued...

State Troopers

S and T are for State Troopers...specifically, Alaskan State Troopers.

I've always had a thing for men in uniform.  A man in uniform equals a man with authority, and going over the hood of a policeman's car as punishment for my crimes is on my bucket fantasy list.

Yes, officer, I broke the law.

I discovered a gem of a show the other day called Alaska State Troopers, and I'll say that I suddenly have a strong urge to visit Alaska and break the law.  There are some very attractive men in uniform enforcing laws in Alaska, and I spent several hours watching, mesmerized, as they wasted all of their authoritative finesse on stupid criminals.

Honey, I've had a hard day, now over my knee.

I think an Alaska State Trooper would fall quite naturally into a dominant position at home, but I suppose that's not necessarily true.  Maybe someone who spends hours and hours ordering lawbreakers around doesn't want to come home and order his wife around.  If that's the case, then it's good I'm not married to one.  I can still fantasize, though!

Alaska here I come!

The Squeaky Wheel

I squeezed his hand hard.

"You're crushing my fingers," he said.

"I want your physical attention," I whispered.

I turned toward him in bed, clawing at him, affronting him.  He immediately sat up, roughly turned me over, tore down my underwear, and spanked my bottom hard for several minutes.  I struggled, I yelped, I teared up, I tried crawling away.  He held me tight, completely silent, unrelenting in his hard smacks.

It was desperate, harsh, aggressive, and I craved more of it.

My bottom was becoming increasingly hotter.

"Get off my lap," he said; "I'm going to f*** you now."

He moved on top of me and aggressively entered me, reasserting over and over again his dominance.

"You're mine," he growled.  I cried out repeatedly.  It was intense--right on that blissful line between pain and pleasure.

This is how he turns my resentment into admiration, my distance into intimacy, and my complaining into gratitude.

"The squeaky wheel gets the grease," he said to me afterward, referring to my string of complaints and resentments that led to this whole episode.

"I'm your only wheel," I smiled.  "I better get all the attention!"

Shopping for Respect

My husband taught me a lesson in respecting him last night :(

Over the weekend, we went grocery shopping together.  There are two things wrong with that scenario:

1. Grocery shopping on a weekend.
2. Grocery shopping with my husband.

It was a madhouse, and I was not in a good mood by the end of the trip.  To make matters worse, we decided to go through the self-checkout line, and we both fed cash into the machine at the same time.

After I completed the total by feeding in a $20, my husband continued to put more change into the machine.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING???  I ALREADY GAVE IT THE FULL AMOUNT!!" I yelled, knowing that it would only spew more change back out at us.  And, as we walked out of the store, I would not drop the subject, asking what the heck he was doing putting more change in, and didn't he notice that I had given it the proper amount, and so on and so forth.

I'm not sure why I made such a big deal out of it.  I have no excuses.  I also did not realize how loud I was and how embarrassed my husband was.  Later, when I realized he was upset, I felt really badly about disrespecting him--especially in public.

I apologized, but, in our particular relationship, I knew an "I'm sorry" wasn't going to cut it.

Last night, I paused a TV show we were watching to cuddle with him, and he pulled back and sent me to the bedroom to wait. "Here it comes," I thought.

I was lectured as I went over his lap for my impending doom.  I decided early on that I would take it the best I could without squirming, back-talking, or trying to get out of anything.  My man is not one for implements, but I knew this was a serious spanking because he used three.  He started with his hand, moved to a wooden spatula, and finished with his belt.  The belt really hurt.  I can't even remember the last time he used it, but it is so whippy and stingy, and it was all I could do not to crawl away and hide.

Afterward, he sent me to the corner and asked me to come up with six things I was going to do to respect him from now on.  Then he made me stand in front of him and name them off (this is harder than it sounds--remembering a list of 6 things under pressure!).  Here was my list:

1. Do what he asks me to do.
2. Speak respectfully to him all the time, regardless of my mood.
3. Follow the rules he's given me.
4. Respect myself--when I respect myself I can better respect him.
5. Do nice things for him.
6. Ummm...oh my gosh, I can't remember the last one! (Hopefully he isn't reading this!)

He promised a much more severe punishment the next time I disrespect him in public.  I think I will set myself up for success and simply avoid grocery shopping with him on the weekend!  Why test myself unnecessarily??

Reasons to Have Gentler Sex: Memory Foam Edition

I hope that this will ever be the one and only entry in my just-thought-up "Reasons to Have Gentler Sex" series, but let's face it, sex isn't like the movies, and sometimes it just goes wrong.  And especially for those of us who like to be dominated, there are definitely going to be times when things must come to a halt because of unintentional pain.

I wanted to share a comical thing that happened the other night.  Well, it's comical now, but at the time it was rather frustrating.

My husband and I had been stuck in our usual routine for several days with no DD, spanking, or sex. The other night, as I was undressing to get ready for bed, he came at me aggressively, slapping my bottom, rubbing me, pulling my hair...

I murmured my approval, and thought "ah, now we're finally going to have some fun."  I was getting excited and turned on, I wrapped my legs around him, and he lifted me up and threw me down onto the bed...

Now, let me interrupt here and say that we recently bought a memory foam mattress, which is terrific for sleeping.  I sink right in at night, it contours to my body, and, best of all, I can't feel my husband tossing and turning because the whole material is incredibly shock absorbing.

As foamy and comfy as the mattress is, however, it is not great for aggressive sexual throw-downs.  In fact, it is so shock absorbing, it is impossible to bounce on it--it sort of feels like trying to bounce on wet sand. And when my head hit the mattress, it did feel like it hit wet sand, sufficiently bringing our adult fun to a premature end.

I lay there with my hands on my head, moaning and venting about how something always has to go wrong, blah blah blah.

It was a temporary setback.  I went to bed with a headache and woke up fine the next morning.  And we eventually finished what we started ;)  But, in the future, I guess my husband will have to avoid the passionate throw-downs...unless he takes me to the guest bedroom.

I Ate the Chocolate

Heavenly

It's that time of month where I crave nachos and chocolate (perhaps even simultaneously...mmm, that sweet/salty combo), and it also happens to be that time of year when all kinds of delicious chocolates come wrapped in pastel colors with an assortment of buttery, sugary fillings on the inside.

Well, this post isn't about those particular candies, because I didn't buy any Easter chocolates this year (go  me!).

However, my husband decided to make homemade almond-butter filled chocolate eggs, and this was my downfall.  He made a lot of them, because he decided to sell them at work as a fundraiser.  But before they made it out the door and onto the table at work, quite a few of them made it into my stomach.

Eating the eggs wasn't the real problem though--he didn't mind that I had a couple.  It was eating the ingredients before they were even made that was a problem!  

I've told my husband in the past that if sweet, chocolatey things go uneaten for 24 hours and are still around, he's lost his chance to eat them before I do.  But I tried really hard not to eat the bars of semi-sweet baker's chocolate sitting out on the counter for 2 days.  I begged and pleaded to have just one square, and even managed to abstain for a full day, but then, one morning, thought, "OK, just one square...there will still be enough."

Surprise, one square turned into two...and then the whole bar.  I confessed over the phone.

"You will have a replacement bar of chocolate on the counter by the time I get home from work," said my husband.

"Done!" I said.  And I went to Target to get a new bar of chocolate (they didn't have the same brand, so it was even more painfully obvious that I'd eaten the whole bar when I placed the new one on the counter.)

Later that night my husband pulled me over his lap to spank me for eating the chocolate.  It was slightly playful, because he knows how hard it is for me to refrain from eating sweets when they're in the house (we usually don't keep them around).  But he was actually a bit disappointed.

Seriously, though?  He leaves three bars of chocolate sitting out on a counter around a PMSing woman and is disappointed when she eats one?  I understand an HoH testing his wife, but, come on, this was an obvious set-up for failure!

Happy Easter everyone--may your day be filled with un-forbidden chocolates and lots of fun with family and friends!

The Moment of Untruth

Halfway through the day yesterday, I received a text ordering me to go get the laundry from downstairs and to stand in the corner for 10 minutes and contemplate how I can avoid forgetting these things--you see, he also told me to bring the clothes up the night before so he could have a clean undershirt in the morning...and I forgot.  He told me to take pictures of myself in the corner as proof that I was doing it.

So, I took pictures of myself in the corner 10 minutes apart...but I didn't actually stand in the corner for 10 minutes :(  I know I should have.  I know it's for my own good and it's good practice for me in patience, but I have a really hard time doing it even when he's hovering over me.  I could not seem to bring myself to stand there for 10 minutes.  So, after that horrible little exercise in deceit, I got ready for the gym and left to go workout.

I arrived home from the gym later on to find him home from work early, and my stomach sank...I still hadn't brought the clothes up from downstairs.  He was not supposed to be home this early!  I walked tentatively into the bedroom, and he was packing for his drill this weekend.  He approached me with a stern look on his face.

"Young lady, I told you twice to bring those clothes up from downstairs," he said.

"I didn't think you were going to be home this early!  I was going to go get them before you got home from work," I protested.

"When I tell you to do something, you should do it right away.  You could have saved yourself a lot of pain by doing as you were told the first time I told you to do it," he said, and with that, he lowered my workout pants and underwear, bent me over the bed and sat down beside me.

I was unjustifiably upset.  I was planning on getting the clothes before he came home, but, in my defensiveness, I could not realize at that moment that I really should have gotten them the night before.  As I was bent over the bed receiving hard slaps on my sweaty bare bottom (a spanking hurts a lot more after a workout for this very reason), I wasn't even thinking of the corner time lie until he brought it up:

"You don't seem to care about this, young lady.  I texted you earlier to go get those clothes and you didn't do it.  You sent me those pictures in the corner, but maybe you just took pictures 10 minutes apart.  Did you actually stand in the corner like I told you to?" he asked.

Oh God, here was the moment of truth--the deciding factor in whether I can own up to my blatant disregard. I hesitated and failed miserably:

"Yes, sir, I did."

I immediately regretted it.  He sensed my hesitation, and questioned it.  I sighed deeply, knowing that I had really messed up:

"No, sir, I didn't do it."

At this point, he effectively pinned me in with his arm around my waist and, with his other hand, delivered a hell of a spanking that had me squealing, squirming, and trying to escape.

I felt so bad.  He told me to pull up my pants and go stand in the corner for 20 minutes while he finished packing.  He told me not to waste his time by being restless and fidgety in the corner--he didn't want to have to correct me again while he was busy packing for his trip.

I stood there honorably for 7 minutes, when he called me to come sit down on the bed.

"I need to leave soon, and I need you to drive me to the rental car agency.  Because you didn't get to finish your corner time, you will write me a three paragraph essay by this Saturday on why following instructions as soon as I give them is important to you and to our relationship.  Got it?" he asked.

"Yes, sir," I looked at him and nodded.  And with that, I finally fell into his arms, forgiven.

We had time for some other farewell activities before I had to drive him to the agency, and they left me teary-eyed because I really miss him when he goes away, even if it's for three days.  I don't want to think about what his month-long trip will be like this summer.  For now, three days is more than enough of a break, and no amount of essay-writing is going to take the place of his firm hand.

Asking in Detail

"Will you please give me a long, hard, firm maintenance spanking tonight?  As a reminder :)"

That was the text I sent my husband at work on Friday.  His reply:

"Perhaps, young lady.  Are you forgetting who's boss?"

"Perhaps :)" I said.

Fast forward to him arriving home from work.  I practically jumped him.  I was soooo turned on by the dream I'd had the night before, I couldn't contain my excitement at the prospect of intimacy.  He knew how anxious I was, but he suggested we go for a motorcycle ride since it was nice out.  I asked if we could "take care of some things" first, but he reminded me that he was hungry, it would be dark and cold soon, and the perfect riding temperature wouldn't last.  He was right, so I begrudgingly put on layers and went for a lovely ride (not that kind of ride) with my husband on some previously undiscovered back roads and towns.

When we got home, my husband laid in bed and promptly fell asleep.

:(

This happens occasionally, especially at the end of the week when he's really tired from early mornings.  I figured, oh well, I can wait till tomorrow morning, and I stayed up watching TV and reading.

When I tiptoed into the bedroom at midnight, I took my clothes off to put my PJ's on, and I was yanked unexpectedly into bed and over my obviously-awake-husband's lap.

"I thought you were sleeping, sir," I said, as he smacked my bottom with his hand.

"Well, I'm awake now, and you're going to get your spanking.  Have you been naughty?" he asked.

"No, sir," I said.

"Have you thought about being naughty?" he asked.

"Not that I can think of, sir," I said.

Pause.

The spanking died down and he patted my bottom and we talked for a while.  This was not going where I wanted it to.  I wanted it firm and hard, not because I was naughty, but because I was his and he could spank me hard if he wanted to.

And therein lies the conundrum that I know many of you encounter in this lifestyle.  I wanted my husband to spank me hard, but I wanted him to want to do it, and I wanted him to do it because he wanted to and not because I wanted him to.  And I didn't want to want him to do it when he wanted to.  Confused yet? ;)

Anyway, he sensed that I was disappointed, and he told me to speak up.  He asked me what I would do in this situation if I were the dominant one, and I told him that I would start over, put "my sub" in the corner, and then firmly bring "my sub" back for a long, hard spanking with implements because I'm the dominant one and I can do what I want.

It felt silly telling him what I would do if I were the dominant one, but it worked...it more than worked.  He stepped back into HoH mode and told me that my requests for "long, firm spankings" were too vague, and that if I wanted something from him I needed to ask specifically for what I want with details.  He then sent me to the corner to think about how I would phrase my requests in the future and what I would do to better communicate my desires to him.

While in the corner, I heard him rummaging around in our implement bag, and my stomach dropped.  It had been a while since he'd used implements.  Then, I felt hair tickling my back so I lifted my hand to brush it off. I'm supposed to keep my hands at my sides when I'm in the corner, and he caught me itching and smacked my bottom with a wooden spatula.  Oh my gosh, did it HURT.  I was shocked at how unprepared I was for that wood, and nearly in tears after only a few smacks.

I was told to turn around and tell him how I would communicate in the future.  My answer was not confident enough for him, so back to the corner I went :(

Eventually, I was back over his lap for my long, firm spanking with his hand and various wooden implements.

I don't know why I ask for these things.

It was everything I wanted and everything I didn't want.  It was painful, pleasureful, exciting, scary, passionate.  All I had to do was describe in exact detail what I wanted.  And was that awkward?  Only for a moment, but it enabled my husband to take control in the best way possible.

I know it seems counter-intuitive to tell my dominant partner what to do, and it may seem like I'm "topping from the bottom," but this sort of detailed communication from me absolutely works for us.  I think we all learn the hard way that husbands aren't mind-readers, and, especially if they aren't natural born spanko-tops, how on earth should they know what we want in this lifestyle if we don't tell them exactly?

I think no one can "naturally" fall into dominance without any sort of guidance and control from the sub.  And yes, I say "control" from the sub, because I do have control--I have control over my right to communicate my wants and needs with my partner, and that is something I can never relinquish.  I do believe that the moment I give up control of that, our relationship will spiral downward.  One could say that I maintain control of this one thing so that I can give up control in other things.  For us, it's not so much that he takes control; it's more a gentle passing back and forth at this point in our lifestyle.

That may change in the future--there may come a time when I won't have to ask in detail for him to take control.  But for now, this type of communication works, and it is my responsibility from now on to be specific and direct with him.

I Have Answers

Time to answer questions!

Sara asked:  What do you like best about being in DD relationship?

My favorite thing is the respect, care, and love I have for my husband that wasn't as present before.  I am so appreciative of him and affectionate with him now--I feel a much stronger emotional connection to him than I ever had before.

Aaron asked:  Where would you most like to be spanked outside the bedroom?

I think the better question here is where would I not like to be spanked, haha.  Hmmm...seriously though, some of my more prominent fantasies involve my husband pulling the car over to the side of the road and spanking me over the hood of the car (this would have to be a remote road) because he can't let it wait until we get home.  Also, being pulled dripping wet out of the shower and spanked in the bathroom seems sooo exciting to me, although that will involve lots of towel-drying the bathroom floor afterward.

Olive Oil asked:  What is your favorite/least favorite implement to be spanked with?  And what do you do to help put yourself in a submissive mindset?

My favorite implement is a little wooden spatula we have that's already chipped in one corner from being used on my bottom (buns of steel, right here).  I'm not really sure what my least favorite is--my husband doesn't use implements often, and I wish he would.  Our collection isn't very large (are you reading this, oh husband mine?).  He uses his hand for almost every spanking, but I like the feel of different implements, although they usually hurt more than his hand.  His hand is nice as a reprieve after he's been using a particularly stingy implement for a while.

So far, I don't have anything that I do by myself to feel submissive.  My husband puts me in a submissive mindset by talking to me.  This is why lectures are sooo important to me, because spanking alone does not make me feel submissive.  In fact, I think my husband could deliver a punishment with words alone, and it would do the job.  He always makes me feel submissive when he talks sternly to me.

Anonymous asked:  Do you enjoy anal as a form of discipline?

Never tried it; not sure if I ever will.  My husband has mentioned wanting to try it, but I just...ugh, no thanks. I don't think it's for me.

Es May asked:  How has your marriage changed with DD in it?

My answer to this one is similar to Sara's question above.  We are more connected, more lovingly affectionate, and more appreciative of each other now (at least we voice it more often than we used to).  I have such a deep respect for my husband now that I didn't know I could have before.  I love that feeling, because I love him and I want to respect him all the time.

Enzo asked:  Do any of your friends know about your preference for DD and if not, would you tell them?

The simple answer is no, none of my friends know about our lifestyle, but I suspect my parents knew I was a spanko growing up--even if they don't know that "official" label.  I'm not sure if I would tell any of my friends; however, part of the reason why I have a real picture of myself as my avatar (yup, that's me!) and why I use my real name is because, if anyone who knows me in real life happens to stumble on my blog because they are researching this lifestyle, I would want them to know they could confide in me.  I guess I'm hoping I might be discovered by someone and be able to talk about this lifestyle with a friend in my vanilla life.

Tomsrose asked:  What has been your biggest hurdle in becoming submissive in the relationship? What about your husband?  Is there any struggle he would want to share?

I think I'm still in the process of getting over my big hurdle.  I will be posting about this soon, but I haven't been taking my rules as seriously as I should be, and it has disappointed my husband, because he is trying so hard to fulfill his role (and doing an awesome job, btw).

From my husband:  The struggle is getting into a DD lifestyle when I don't have the natural inclination to be a Dom or physically enforce a rule.

Thanks for all the questions, everyone!  I've enjoyed reading all of your answers to questions as well--this was a fun thing to do in March.

Powering Off

Our electronics own us.

My husband and I have vowed to spend less time with our electronics in the evening and more time with each other.  Some days, we follow through and remember to set aside our computers/phones and turn off the TV, so we can talk or cuddle.  Other days, we fall into the old habits and stay in front of the glowing screens until it's time for bed.

Yesterday evening fell into the latter way of things, and I realized close to bedtime that we hadn't spent any face to face time with each other.  I complained about it, even though he had tried to hug me earlier in the evening, and I had pushed him away. He knew I was disappointed, and he got ready for bed and waited for me to come in.

I climbed into bed without so much as a word and did my usual routine of applying lotion and chap stick.

"Come here, young lady, I want to say goodnight," he said.

I lay down and scooted closer to him so we could cuddle.  We lay there silently in each others arms for a bit, when he suddenly pulled my hair...hard.  He pulled me face to face with him, and I knew what was coming.

My breathing became faster and heavier as he tossed me over his lap.  He yanked down my pants and underwear with strict force.  He was being so harsh and rough, but God, it was just what I needed. The slaps of his hand on my bare bottom came hard and fast, with no accompanying lecture.  I squirmed and cried out, knowing exactly what he was feeling and and why this was happening.  There was nothing but spanking and powerful, heavy emotion radiating from both of us as we connected in a way that only dominance and submission provides.

And just like that, it was over.  He pulled me to him without a word, and we lay there for many more minutes, spooning and holding each other tightly.

"Thank you," I said.  "You make me so happy."  And I couldn't stop smiling until I turned off the light to go to sleep.