Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Asking in Detail

"Will you please give me a long, hard, firm maintenance spanking tonight?  As a reminder :)"

That was the text I sent my husband at work on Friday.  His reply:

"Perhaps, young lady.  Are you forgetting who's boss?"

"Perhaps :)" I said.

Fast forward to him arriving home from work.  I practically jumped him.  I was soooo turned on by the dream I'd had the night before, I couldn't contain my excitement at the prospect of intimacy.  He knew how anxious I was, but he suggested we go for a motorcycle ride since it was nice out.  I asked if we could "take care of some things" first, but he reminded me that he was hungry, it would be dark and cold soon, and the perfect riding temperature wouldn't last.  He was right, so I begrudgingly put on layers and went for a lovely ride (not that kind of ride) with my husband on some previously undiscovered back roads and towns.

When we got home, my husband laid in bed and promptly fell asleep.


This happens occasionally, especially at the end of the week when he's really tired from early mornings.  I figured, oh well, I can wait till tomorrow morning, and I stayed up watching TV and reading.

When I tiptoed into the bedroom at midnight, I took my clothes off to put my PJ's on, and I was yanked unexpectedly into bed and over my obviously-awake-husband's lap.

"I thought you were sleeping, sir," I said, as he smacked my bottom with his hand.

"Well, I'm awake now, and you're going to get your spanking.  Have you been naughty?" he asked.

"No, sir," I said.

"Have you thought about being naughty?" he asked.

"Not that I can think of, sir," I said.


The spanking died down and he patted my bottom and we talked for a while.  This was not going where I wanted it to.  I wanted it firm and hard, not because I was naughty, but because I was his and he could spank me hard if he wanted to.

And therein lies the conundrum that I know many of you encounter in this lifestyle.  I wanted my husband to spank me hard, but I wanted him to want to do it, and I wanted him to do it because he wanted to and not because I wanted him to.  And I didn't want to want him to do it when he wanted to.  Confused yet? ;)

Anyway, he sensed that I was disappointed, and he told me to speak up.  He asked me what I would do in this situation if I were the dominant one, and I told him that I would start over, put "my sub" in the corner, and then firmly bring "my sub" back for a long, hard spanking with implements because I'm the dominant one and I can do what I want.

It felt silly telling him what I would do if I were the dominant one, but it worked...it more than worked.  He stepped back into HoH mode and told me that my requests for "long, firm spankings" were too vague, and that if I wanted something from him I needed to ask specifically for what I want with details.  He then sent me to the corner to think about how I would phrase my requests in the future and what I would do to better communicate my desires to him.

While in the corner, I heard him rummaging around in our implement bag, and my stomach dropped.  It had been a while since he'd used implements.  Then, I felt hair tickling my back so I lifted my hand to brush it off. I'm supposed to keep my hands at my sides when I'm in the corner, and he caught me itching and smacked my bottom with a wooden spatula.  Oh my gosh, did it HURT.  I was shocked at how unprepared I was for that wood, and nearly in tears after only a few smacks.

I was told to turn around and tell him how I would communicate in the future.  My answer was not confident enough for him, so back to the corner I went :(

Eventually, I was back over his lap for my long, firm spanking with his hand and various wooden implements.

I don't know why I ask for these things.

It was everything I wanted and everything I didn't want.  It was painful, pleasureful, exciting, scary, passionate.  All I had to do was describe in exact detail what I wanted.  And was that awkward?  Only for a moment, but it enabled my husband to take control in the best way possible.

I know it seems counter-intuitive to tell my dominant partner what to do, and it may seem like I'm "topping from the bottom," but this sort of detailed communication from me absolutely works for us.  I think we all learn the hard way that husbands aren't mind-readers, and, especially if they aren't natural born spanko-tops, how on earth should they know what we want in this lifestyle if we don't tell them exactly?

I think no one can "naturally" fall into dominance without any sort of guidance and control from the sub.  And yes, I say "control" from the sub, because I do have control--I have control over my right to communicate my wants and needs with my partner, and that is something I can never relinquish.  I do believe that the moment I give up control of that, our relationship will spiral downward.  One could say that I maintain control of this one thing so that I can give up control in other things.  For us, it's not so much that he takes control; it's more a gentle passing back and forth at this point in our lifestyle.

That may change in the future--there may come a time when I won't have to ask in detail for him to take control.  But for now, this type of communication works, and it is my responsibility from now on to be specific and direct with him.


  1. It's important to discuss your expectation if you have them. Because no one is a mind reader, not even Doms, if you have specific desires you'll either need to speak them or indicate them somehow. While it may initially seem less submissive, Doms are supposed to care for their keep- it helps first to know their needs.

    1. I absolutely agree; especially when just starting out in DD.

  2. Oh goodness I can completely relate to this post! I have done the very same thing and had the same kind of results! SM has even asked me to do what your husband asked and of course I am thinking why don't you already know what to do??? If I have to tell him it isn't the same... but... it does help for the next time.

    Corner time sucks by the way. I thought I would love it and find it a turn on but I don't. It's very effective though.

    sara :)

    1. I have a love-hate relationship with corner time. I HATE standing still, facing a wall. I LOVE the building anticipation of having to wait for my husband's attention. He told me afterward that he loves putting me in the corner, so I think I have many corner times in my future...not sure how I feel about that, haha.