Monday, April 7, 2014

A Short Essay on Following Instructions

I would like to share with you all the essay I wrote for my husband about following his instructions.  It was a heartfelt, meaningful exercise for me to do, because it made me realize how important it is for me to honor his effort at being my HoH (I use Dominant in the essay, since HoH is not really a term he's familiar with):

Why It’s Important for Me to Follow Instructions

In such a short time, DD has not only improved our marriage, but it has also created in me a level of respect and admiration for you that I have never felt for anyone before.  I love you more and more every single day for who you are and for who you try to be for me, and it means everything to me to keep going in this lifestyle for as long as possible.  I have asked you to step into a role that does not come naturally to you, and, out of love for me, you have made every effort to fulfill this role in our relationship.  

One of the ways you have stepped into your role is to give me orders and instructions when you are not around.  When I don’t follow these instructions, not only am I failing to fulfill my role in this relationship, but I am also undermining your dominant role and your attempts at making this work.

When I disregard your instructions, I undermine your authority, and I completely negate the work and the effort you have put into being dominant.  When I disregard your instructions, I am ultimately saying that I’m not willing to put the same amount of effort into being submissive as you are into being dominant.  This is not how I want to behave from now on.  I want to respect and encourage the effort you are putting in to this commitment, so it is important for me to follow any instructions you give me to the best of my ability.  

As you have told me in the past, when I fail to follow your instructions, I am ultimately failing to uphold my end of a commitment we have made to each other.  When I disregard your orders for me, I am putting my immediate needs and wants ahead of the long term health of our relationship.  It is selfish of me to challenge your instructions when I have already seen how much DD has done for our relationship.  I feel more affectionate, more connected, more loving, and more respectful of you as my husband, and when I don’t follow your instructions, I weaken the stronger bond that we have so far created together with this lifestyle.

From now on, I will not disregard your instructions or try to skirt my way around them.  I want to recognize your dominant role in this relationship by immediately doing what you tell me to do without questioning it or putting it off.  By doing this, I will not only uphold my end of the commitment, but I will also help you to uphold yours.  Our relationship works best when we both help each other to uphold our roles, and I do not help you uphold your role by neglecting your instructions for me.  

I know I sound like a broken record, but I appreciate so much what you are doing for me and for our relationship.  I am nearly brought to tears of happiness every time I think of how you have accepted me for who I am and have embraced my “strange” desires and needs.  I feel like I cannot do enough to thank you for stepping into your role, but I know that, at the very least, I can honor and appreciate your role by doing as I’m told.

His response to me:

Your essay is heart-felt and addresses the importance of following directions, especially in terms of our current relationship.  Based on what I've read, you understand the importance of doing what you're told to honor our relationship.  I will hold you to that effort.  

As you know I love and respect you, but it hurts when my efforts are undermined by willful disobedience.  I look forward to your honest effort to follow instructions.


  1. Great essay Autumn and one that we could all probably write to our HoH's! I have written several letters to SM like this too. He has never instructed me to do it but
    sometimes I just want him to know I am truly sorry for something, or that I am working on being his good girl, or that I just want him to know how much I love him.

    Thanks for sharing :)


    1. Thank you, Sara. I plan on writing many more letters like this. It is such a great way for me to voice my feelings about him and us--I often can't speak eloquently enough to say what I mean, so writing it down is the perfect way to express it.

  2. This is really great. I've never been asked to write an essay, but I often write letters to my husband similar to this. I talk to him too of course, but some things my brain is apparently unable to organize certain things without putting them on paper :-)

    1. I completely understand! I can always, of course, talk to my husband, but this was a such a great way for me to put it all in one place on paper. I've never done a letter like this since starting DD, but I will be writing many more, for sure!

  3. Autumn, I think it is lovely how you make clear that you two have to help each other to strengthen each other. I think your husband will appreciate the effort that you want to put into your part of the relationship. Hubby and I also do that and nevertheless, there are those times when nothing really works out the way we want it to. But, if that happens, hubby is always there and also tells me that he appreciates the effort. I think this is really important, because we are still allowed to make our mistakes and work hard on being better than before and we are appreciated for trying hard.



    1. It really is "the thought that counts" or, in this case, the effort. I'm so grateful for the effort my husband puts in--even if it's not perfect. And the least I can do is put in the same amount of effort, even if I don't get it right every time. It's definitely a two-way street!