There is a family of five that lives next door to us--a husband, wife, and three children--with whom we get along pretty well, helping each other shovel snow, getting together for occasional meals, etc... Unfortunately, the husband is away a lot for his job. Now, I know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship with a significant other, but I can't imagine the stress of essentially being a single mom of three children while the other is away. Last week, when the husband returned home from a month-long trip away, my husband and I made homemade pizza and took it over to eat dinner with them.
The whole meal was incredibly awkward. The wife was constantly making bitter, sarcastic remarks toward her husband and instigating arguments about household issues that should have been private. I don't know who I felt sorrier for--the husband, who was trying to ease the tension by essentially ignoring her and carrying on with conversation, or the wife, who obviously had tons of built-up resentment and bitterness.
I was so grateful to be home after that long evening, but I was even more grateful for the relationship I have with my husband and for the way I treat him with respect when we're alone and with other people. I was also grateful for the way we now deal with disrespect, resentment, and bitterness, and how there seems to be less and less of it as we continue down the DD path.
Sometimes I think DD would save a lot of marriages. But then I realize that a woman really has to be in the right mindset and has to truly understand the benefits of submission in order to commit to it. The act of submission must be a choice made in full understanding of what it entails and what it will most likely produce.
I know there are those who read our blogs and are disgusted by what seems like a woman giving up her right to control her own life. Those of us in DD know that this is not the case, but how do we explain it to someone who only sees that? Should we even worry about trying to explain it? Is it one of those things where you either "get it" or you don't?
I used to be in the "outsider" group when it came to DD. It sounds quite harsh, but I'll admit I used to think women in DD relationships were childish, dependent, and not capable of self-motivation or self-accountability. And even though I'm now living the lifestyle, I understand where my old self is coming from. I understand that someone may read this blog and think those sames things.
When I try to think of what changed my mind about DD, I'm really at a loss. The truth is, I have no idea what changed my mind or even when it happened. Unfortunately, it was no thanks to anyone in blogland, because, when I brought DD up to my husband, I hadn't read spanking blogs in months.
I think that I was looking for a way to fall in love with my husband all over again, and, this time, in such a way that I could show him the honor, respect, and admiration he deserves. My husband is an amazing guy, and, before DD, I certainly loved him, but I often lacked respect for him. I felt more like my neighbor and less like an affectionate, loving wife. I would feel bad when I disrespected him, but all I could say was "sorry" and move on. There was no other way of clearing my guilt, and the process of disrespect and the subsequent "I'm sorry" repeated itself over and over again, with the consequence often being an entire evening ruined by our resulting bad moods.
DD hasn't fixed every bad mood and argument, but I am way more conscious of the things I say to my husband and the way I treat him now. I am more aware of how my words and actions affect him. The way I treat my husband is one of the best aspects of DD (I think he would agree with me), and I think most of us would agree that DD is not primarily about the submissive being held accountable for things, although, that is a part of it. It is ultimately about treating the person we love the way they deserve to be treated.
I hope my neighbors can work out their issues. I'm certainly not going to suggest DD, but, with any luck, she will stumble across one of our blogs, laugh at how ridiculous it seems, and then dwell on it, come back for more out of curiosity, research similar blogs, and come to the realization that this lifestyle could really benefit their marriage.
I too was one of those "oh my gosh, those people are crazy" and then researched a little more then....
ReplyDeleteI worry about a lot of marriages but I don't really connect dd to the solution. Sure, it would help a lot of them, but there are a lot of ways to help a marriage. It appeals to some people and not others.
I think you did the best thing you could: bringing them some tangible help and being their friends. If you have the time, I'm sure they'd love a little time away from the kids. It's hard to watch.
You are absolutely right--DD is *one* solution, but there are many ways to fix a marriage.
DeleteTheir kids are actually older--one is in college, one in high school, and one in middle school, so it's not a matter of needing someone to watch them, although they do go to their grandparents' house a lot to stay. I'm sure the stress has a lot to do with the husband being gone, and I just feel bad.
I'm trying not to turn into one of those "DD is for everyone!" people, haha, but it definitely crosses my mind more often now when people talk about marital problems!
Autumn, great post, I can relate to so much of what you write in it. I think these moments with people who are not at peace with themselves are often rather embarrassing and really awkward. But I absolutely agree with all you have written. DD would probably save a lot of marriages. But there are many who are not willing to take this close look at their needs, because if you look at DD from the outside, I think the deeper connection, trust, deep love and fulfillment are not always too obvious, and then there are all these stupid prejudices, too. Many people are not willing to see the good of DD, and therefore are probably completely unable to see that we have a very lovely way of dealing with such things as resentment or disrespect. Those who are not willing to understand what’s going on, will always reduce everything to ‘abuse’. It’s horrible, because it is so plain wrong and the complete opposite of what DD is about.
ReplyDeleteI am completely with you about the reasons that you had for DD. Hubby introduced this to me and before hubby, nothing had really worked out for me. I was not actively looking for some new way, but he simply brought it with him and since everything else had failed completely, I was open for it from the start. Hubby and DD were what helped me more out of my problems than anything else I have ever experienced up to now. And I also think that DD helps so much to focus on our partners in a very positive way, to have this awareness of how we treat them. So, yes, it is definitely beneficial for us and probably for many others as well. But since the mindset of both partners is so very important in this, I’d guess, it is not for everybody.
Nina
You are right that it's not for everybody. I mean, if a couple doesn't understand the benefits or the reasons for DD, they absolutely shouldn't be doing it.
DeleteAs frustrating as it is sometimes, I also understand people's prejudices and misunderstandings about our lifestyle. I can see why an outsider would think it is bad or abusive. They have the right to whatever opinion they want, and sometimes people simply don't want to take the time to learn about something they don't understand. That's fine; as long as they aren't rude to me about it and they don't call the cops on my husband!
I hope your neighbors can work out their issues, I'm ashamed to think I used to be like her..well, I would never act like that in public or in company, but the disrespect was certainly there because I did have a lot of build up resentment. I don't know why DD works so well for us, and I do often wonder if other would see me as weak or dependent, but I actually feel at peace and centered for the first time..ever. It works and that's all I know. I would hope others would be open minded enough to try and understand, but I doubt they would :( Glad DD is working so well for both of you!!
ReplyDeleteHi Jennelle, thanks for commenting! It's always good to discover a new blog through a comment :)
DeleteI really hope my neighbors are able to work out their issues as well. Sometimes I think that the husband does not look for a new job because he actually likes being away so often. I hope they can find some way of dealing with the resentment. We are lucky to have found a way to improve our own relationships!
Hi Autumn,
ReplyDeleteIt is really hard to watch that type of thing happening. In fact, if roles were reversed and it wad the husband speaking to his wife that way, most women in the room would be quite concerned for her and probably ask if she was ok. It's sad that this inequality exists between the sexes, but it's quite prevalent. I hope your neighbors finda to work out their issues.
I agree; there has been such a role reversal in our society that I don't believe is good--men are constantly degraded on commercials meant for women, which bothers me (i.e. the husband that always f***'s up the house-cleaning without advertised "miracle product"). It would be nice to see people treating their loved ones with respect, regardless of gender.
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