50 Right Ways to Approach BDSM/TTWD: Making a Decision

Welcome to Part 2 of my series!

To read the first portion, Getting to Know You, click here. I started this series as a way to differentiate between healthy BDSM/TTWD and the version of BDSM that is portrayed in the popular book series, and now movie, 50 Shades of Grey.

I'm going to call Part 2 the "Making a Decision" phase. This phase happens after partners have gotten to know each other, and are now considering trying BDSM with each other. This is a period where both partners must take the time to consider each other's wants and desires, and make an informed decision about whether they want to pursue the relationship or not.

Once again, this series is meant to differentiate between the wrong way and the right way. Since the wrong way seems to have made its way into mainstream entertainment, I feel compelled to clarify that there is a healthy way to approach decision-making in BDSM, and FSOG is not the manual for how to do it. Here is the next list of points on 50 Right Ways to Approach BDSM/TTWD:

Making a Decision

11. Christian Grey is annoyed by Ana's virginity, and sees taking it as an aggressive means to an end, rather than a special occasion--a healthy dominant who is highly more experienced than his partner starts slowly, and allows his inexperienced partner the time and care to fully feel, savor, and process each new experience.

12. After "ripping through" Ana's virginity with no respect for the occasion, Christian Grey has sex with her again, admitting that he wants her to be sore every time she moves the next day--a healthy dominant, again, takes new experiences SLOWLY, and does not attempt to give his inexperienced partner lasting damage during their first encounter, especially if it's her first encounter ever.

13. Christian Grey tells Ana he doesn't like to share her, referring to a phone conversation she has with a male friend--a healthy dominant realizes that he is not the center of his partner's universe, and that she has a right to time and conversation with other friends and family.

14. Christian Grey attempts to hurry Ana into signing his BDSM contract before she is ready--a healthy dominant does not need to hurry his partner into anything, because he has taken the time to establish a trusting relationship that does not put pressure on his partner to do anything she doesn't want to do.

15. Christian Grey's contract states that Ana must ask his permission to leave the relationship--a healthy dominant makes it clear that his partner can end the dominant/submissive relationship at any time, no questions asked.

16. When Ana needs time to think about what she wants, Christian Grey sends her a series of friendly, flirtatious emails to show her his "nice" side--a healthy dominant gives his partner time and space to figure out what she wants, and doesn't try to manipulate her decision in any way.

17. Ana tells Christian Grey ("jokingly," via email) that she's not interested, and he shows up at her house so angry, that she actually looks around her room for an escape route--a healthy dominant accepts it when a partner is no longer interested, and, if he wants to talk further, asks his partner to talk in person, instead of showing up, once again, uninvited.

18. Instead of talking about the problem, Christian Grey forces himself sexually on Ana, despite her protests and attempts to kick him off of her--a healthy dominant and a decent human being does not force himself sexually on his partner when she doesn't want it. THIS IS RAPE--THIS IS NOT OK.

19. Christian Grey insists on meeting privately, when Ana would much rather meet publicly--a healthy dominant does everything he can to make his partner feel safe and secure, including meeting in a public place to talk about the relationship.

20. Christian Grey uses Ana's sexual attraction to him as a means to getting what he wants--a healthy dominant does not use sexual attraction as a technique for manipulating his partner's wants and desires; he respects her wishes and doesn't try to "change her mind."

21. Christian Grey does not honor Ana's wish for space to think things through--for the love of God, a healthy dominant, again, gives his partner the time and space she needs to decide what she wants.

22. Christian Grey grabs and locks Ana in a locker room to inquire why she hasn't been responding to his texts and emails--a healthy dominant waits patiently for his partner's consent to a relationship, and doesn't forcibly confront her about it.

There we are--the "Making a Decision" phase--that period of indecision or hesitancy that may accompany the beginning of a BDSM/TTWD relationship. How you go about this phase affects everything that happens down the road. In fact, the health of the entire relationship depends on whether this phase has been done right or not. I think we can agree that Christian Grey and Ana have done it the wrong way.

To sum up what a healthy dominant does during the decision-making process:

• gives his partner time and space to think clearly
• does nothing to manipulate or influence her decision
• does everything possible to make her feel safe
• does not force anything on her
• takes new experiences with her slowly, and not without her consent

OK, we're almost to the actual relationship phase--stay tuned!

50 Right Ways to Approach BDSM/TTWD: Getting to Know You

Welcome to my new blog series for the next few days!

In honor of Valentines Day and the questionable movie/book series that is being associated with romance this particular Valentines Day, I'd like to differentiate (for anyone wondering) between a healthy approach to BDSM/TTWD and what is portrayed in these popular books.

Yes, I've read them. I won't comment on the writing, since that subject has been thoroughly trashed and exhausted by pretty much everyone. The point is, the books were written, and they were a smash hit. And now many women may be fantasizing about this type of beautiful relationship, that we know to be about a delicate exchange of dominance and submission between two caring, often loving partners. 

With everyone and their mother now weighing in on the subject, I've seen BDSM, as a whole, equated to abuse. In fact, I saw a sweeping statement made by a psychiatrist that said "A healthy woman dreams about wedding gowns, not handcuffs." Really??? What kind of psychiatrist makes that sort of generalization about "healthy women?" (Remind me never to see her, should I seek therapy.) 

This may be a long list--some of the points very obvious--but it's worth writing, and I'm all about symbolism. I'm even dividing them into phases to ensure posts that aren't a mile long. This first phase is the "Getting to Know You" phase of my series. So, here goes--50 Right Ways to Approach BDSM/TTWD:

Getting to Know You

1. Christian Grey finds out where Ana works and shows up uninvited--a healthy dominant asks where his potential partner works in the course of getting to know her and does not show up there, unless invited.

2. Christian Grey visibly changes his demeanor when Ana talks to other men--a healthy dominant realizes that a potential partner will inevitably talk to other men and is OK with the fact that she may even choose to pursue a relationship with one of them--after all, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

3. Christian Grey tells Ana that she should find him intimidating--a healthy dominant is warm and approachable to a potential partner, because he wants to establish a trusting relationship in which neither party is intimidated.

4. Christian Grey warns Ana to stay away from him--a healthy dominant knows that he is a safe person and will do his best to convey that to a potential partner.

5. Christian Grey tracks Ana's whereabouts through her mobile phone and, again, shows up uninvited--a healthy dominant gives a potential partner space to live her own life and, again, only shows up when invited.

6. Christian Grey takes Ana back to his hotel room when she is too drunk to consent and even remember what happened--a healthy dominant only invites a potential partner to his hotel room when both parties are sober and able to consent.

7. Christian Grey says "If you were mine, you wouldn't be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday"--a healthy dominant does not use threatening language like this, unless the potential partner is, in fact, his and has consented to being his.

8. Christian Grey finds out where Ana lives without telling her--a healthy dominant will, at a comfortable and natural stage in the relationship, ask where a potential partner lives, and, again, not show up unless invited.

9. Christian Grey shows Ana that she will have to sign a non-disclosure agreement--a healthy dominant AND a healthy submissive are comfortable and trusting enough of each other, that they can make a mutual, verbal agreement to keep the details of their adult activities private.

10. Christian Grey overwhelms Ana with a long contract and demands a list of her "hard limits" before she is ready--a healthy dominant will make a new partner as comfortable as possible, and will slowly introduce desired elements of BDSM by asking first, when he thinks she is ready.

That's it for this post...and this was just the Getting to Know You phase! To recap what a healthy dominant does when looking for a potential partner in BDSM:

• asks for details of his partner's life in the natural course of getting to know her
• does not show up uninvited
• gives her space
• makes her feel comfortable and tries to gain her trust
• gets her consent before doing or saying anything as "her" dominant
• ensures there is mutual trust and respect for privacy before starting anything
• eases his partner slowly into his style of BDSM, by introducing one thing at a time, and asking first

Stay tuned for the next phase!

Begging for It

Hi everyone!

I realized I hadn't written in almost a month :( That's just far too long to not write about spanking fun, so here's another recent story for you all, in time for Valentine's Day:

.  .  .

Just like every other couple, we go through our "drought" periods where there is no spanking and no sex for a few weeks. When those unfortunate periods happen, I usually get so built up with frustration, that, one night, I will snap, basically throw myself at my husband, and ask him to pleeeeeeease do something with me.

Well, that happened several days ago. Throughout the day, I physically hinted at my readiness many times, and, when evening came, as we were cuddling on the couch, I asked him to please spank me.

He ordered me to the bedroom, where I eagerly ran. He bared my bottom, and I went over his lap for some rubbing and light slapping. The slaps became harder, but, much too soon, he acted like it was over. I tried back talking, teasing, and making smart ass comments, but he knew what I was up to.

He opened his nightstand drawer, and pulled out my two favorite implements that I thought were long gone (I haven't been able to find them recently!).

"That's where those have been???? I thought we'd lost them!" I said.

"Yes, young lady. Sometimes I am more aware of the whereabouts of these than you are. Do you want me to use them on you?" he asked.

"Yes, please," I said.

"Beg for it then," he said.

"What???" I inquired.

"You heard me. Get down on the floor and beg for it," he said.

I got off the bed, stood up, and asked him to please spank me with my favorite implements. He handed me the light wooden hairbrush.

"Down on your knees," he said.

I got down on my knees, came over to his side of the bed, and begged, over and over, for him to please spank me with it. I gave him my best puppy dog eyes and rubbed him in places that I thought might entice him to give me what I wanted.

After a minute or two of this, he caved. I went over his lap, and, boy, did he deliver what I wanted and then some. He alternated between the stingy, plastic spatula and the thuddy, wooden hairbrush, and I was soon squirming all over his lap with a burning bottom.

Keep in mind, it had been several weeks, and, though my bottom was very sore, I was positively panting with desire. He soon dropped the implements, took me from behind, and together we relieved weeks of sexual tension :)

Afterward, I asked him to rub lotion on my bottom, because I knew my bottom was out of practice. He obliged, but it was still very tender the next day, which I loved. It served as a memory of how he literally made me beg for it. And thinking of that reminded me that, although he is usually happy to oblige me when I ask, he is still the one in control of my fulfillment.

The Spanking Sprints

Although I've been working out routinely since New Year (disclaimer: The Insanity workouts are truly insane), I had not planned on working out over the weekend, since I simultaneously opened a production at a local theater, started rehearsals for another production in May, and served as cantor for extra church services.

I was exhausted and relieved to come home Sunday evening, change into my pajamas, and sit down to a delicious dinner of blackened salmon, rice, and green beans, prepared by my culinarian husband. After dinner, we started in on another episode of our latest TV binge-watch project--The Wire. I was curled up on the couch, and, halfway through the episode, my husband decided to start giving some attention to my bottom.

Moments later, he paused the episode to which we were no longer paying attention, and pulled me over his lap for some harsher attention. With my pajama pants and underwear now down around my knees, he proceeded to use my bottom to warm up his cold hands. 

Then, he asked if I was too tired, and I naively said "no."

"Go to the bedroom, and bring me back one implement. Come back in a minute." he said.

I plodded along to the bedroom, opened the closet door, and rooted through the bag of implements. I dug around, but wasn't finding any of the regulars...hmmm. They must be somewhere else. The handle of one caught my eye on his nightstand. I grabbed it just as he began a countdown in the living room.

"10...9...8...7...6."

Oh boy, he actually meant one exact minute. I broke into a trot, and arrived back at his side just in time! He pulled me over his lap and applied the sting of our little plastic spatula to my bottom cheeks. A short moment later, though, he stopped...

"Get me another implement. You have 45 seconds...GO!" he said.

Catching on to the game, I hurriedly trotted to the bedroom with my pants around my ankles (I was not allowed to pull them up), and began looking for my second favorite implement--our small, flat, wooden spatula.

"20 seconds, young lady," I heard from the living room.

It wasn't in the bag, it wasn't by the nightstand--where was it???

"10...9...8...7..."

I rooted through the bag of implements--everything looked either too big or too painful. I finally grabbed a splintered wooden ruler--broken years ago--that we never bothered to discard, and sprinted back to the living room.

I was 10 seconds late :( And my bottom paid for it--although, the ruler, being short and broken, was apparently not having the desired impact.

"Get me another one, 45 seconds...GO!" he said.

Once again, I ran into the bedroom, this time, grabbing a tiny wooden spoon at the bottom of our implement bag.

"This is cute," he said, when I presented it to him.

I went over his lap and received a few smacks with that one.

"This one cups your bottom nicely," he said. "Go get me something else, young lady...30 seconds," he said.

This time I thought I would be clever and bring back the previously used "favorite" plastic spatula, but, when I returned, he immediately told me to get something else in "20 seconds."

"You did not specify that I had to get a different one!" I complained.

"15 seconds," he replied.

Gah! This time, I developed an even cleverer plan, and came back with the entire contents of the implement bag. Ha!

I dumped the handful of spanking tools next to him on the couch, and over his lap I went so he could try them all out, which he did...briefly.

"Leave these here. Go get me another implement. You have 30 seconds," he said.

"WHAT?! We don't have anything else, I already brought them all!!" I cried.

"20 seconds," he said.

I sprinted to the bedroom, looked desperately around, and grabbed one of my ballet flat shoes in the closet.

"Very good, young lady; now you're being creative,"  he said, when I returned.

I did not like my choice, though, as soon as he started using it on my bottom. It really stung, and I squirmed all over his lap.

"Go get me another implement. You have 20 seconds," he said.

Now really, this was just getting out of hand. I sprinted to the room and looked around for his belt, but I have no idea where he had put it. I heard the ominous countdown from 10 begin in the living room, and I had nothing. I found it lying on the bed, of all places, and I arrived back at the couch just in the knick of 15 seconds late.

"You're late," he said. "Stand up and put your hands on the couch. You're getting one on each cheek for the number of seconds you were late," he announced.

I counted 15 painful smacks of the belt on each cheek, which was really more like both cheeks each time because...well, it's a belt.

The bun-smacking countdown with the belt was the blessed conclusion of my spanking sprint exercises, and I was more than ready to settle into his arms and finish the darn TV episode, but, alas, I was told to go get one more thing from the bedroom to help along our, shall we say, "cool down" activities :)

So, I did get in a workout after all this weekend. But it was not of my own accord, and it was to my husband's amusement, comfort and delight. A fun time for him, I'm sure!

OK...I had fun too.

Spanking in the New Year

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season, and best wishes for the new year. I know I'm looking forward to what the new year will bring (more spankings, I suppose ;).

New Year's day is also my husband's birthday, and, inevitably, *I* was the one that ended up with the spanking.

We had a late, late night of revelry for New Year's Eve, and both of us were exhausted, so I wasn't sure if we'd have the energy for some birthday fun. We went out to dinner with his parents, and then came home and took a nap together on the couch. We just recently bought a new couch that is cushier and wider than our last one, so we were quite comfortable wrapped in each other. I guess the nap revived him a little, because the next thing I know, he's lightly tapping my bottom. 

He pushed me over so I was lying on my stomach. I looked back to watch what he was doing, and he slipped off my new PJ bottoms so I could, as he put it, "see my jiggly bottom being spanked." He spent the next hour alternating between tapping my bottom, massaging my bottom, spanking my bottom, kissing my bottom, and slowly changing my position every now and then, so that he had access to different angles and places on my bottom. He also employed a technique where he pushed upward on the top part of my bottom so he could spank the very sensitive areas on the lower parts of my bottom.

Essentially, he spent over an hour building me up, until I finally begged him to do something about it, which he did. I felt like it was my birthday, but he insisted this was a birthday present for himself. It was just one of those moments where everything was perfect--the mood, the timing, the lighting, the energy. Everything he did seemed to be the perfect thing to do.

We also broke in the new couch quite well, I'd say.

Three Years, Three Snippets

Today is our anniversary! Three years ago today, I married my best friend, and I still feel like the luckiest woman in the world. We have learned so much about each other in three years, and it just keeps getting better.

My present to him was a gorgeous leather jacket. I think it's the first time I've bought anything real leather (sorry, little lamb). Have I mentioned that I love the smell of leather? I love the smell of leather--perhaps I'm more into fetish wear than I thought...

In honor of three years, here are three snippets from the past week:

Several Days Ago 7:30 AM

We are cuddling together as I slowly wake up.

Me: Mmmmm....

He lifts up my shirt and touches my sensitive stomach, making me flinch. I remove his hand and tug down my shirt.

Me: Stop! I don't like that.
A: Don't give me orders, young lady.
Me: Well, it's my stomach, and I don't want you to touch it.
A: No, your body belongs to me, young lady. You may make suggestions, but I will choose whether to follow them or not.

He lifts my shirt again.

Me: Well, I would like to suggest that you not touch my stomach.

...

Yesterday--After missing the deadline for some lines I was supposed to write

Over his lap...where else.

A: Why haven't you finished those lines yet?
Me: I haven't had time!
A: You haven't made the time.
Me: You're right; I haven't made the time.
A: If I see you playing Candy Crush again before those lines are done, you're going to pay for it, young lady.

I immediately think of ways to play Candy Crush without him seeing.

...

Today

I emerge from a long, hot shower and am toweling off.

A: Your bottom is pink.
Me: It's from the hot water.
A: Oh...I thought maybe you were spanking yourself.
Me: I don't need to spank myself--I have someone for that.
A: Well, I can make it pinker than that.
Me: I'm sure you can.

He pushes me over the bed and demeonstrates that, yes, he can easily make it pinker.

New Business

I promise I haven't left Blog Land! I've decided to start a new business for the holidays, and it's taking up a whole lot of time for not a lot of profit (as new businesses are wont to do). .

It's a little stressful and discouraging. My husband has given me pep talks and "encouragement" over his lap, and there have been tears already. I may not make any money this year, but I'm not going to to give up :)

Loveliest of holidays to you all--hopefully I will get the chance to post some tidbits. I will be reading blogs when I can, but probably not posting much till after Christmas. For now, I will post a picture of our Christmas tree. We went with white lights this year, and I am just filled with warmth and happiness every time it comes on at night.