Monday, March 24, 2014

Take 2: Tips for Discussing DD

"I haven't felt submissive lately.  You need to give me more opportunities to be submissive," I said.  My husband sighed heavily, a look of defeat on his face.

"Are you ever going to be happy?" he asked.

I quickly learned last week that this was not the best way to approach a conversation on DD with my husband.  He immediately shut down, and I instantly felt like an ungrateful, nagging wife.  I was attempting to convey what I wanted in our relationship, but this was entirely the wrong way to do it.

Ours is somewhat of a fragile situation, because I'm the one who needs and desires this kind of lifestyle, and my husband is a vanilla who hasn't read spanking blogs his entire life.  I'm usually the one that encourages, asks, and suggests things in our DD relationship, but my husband doesn't like being told what to do.  My initial approach rightfully put him on the defensive and failed to provoke a meaningful discussion.

After the initial blundered beginning, I tried again, and we had a productive and thoughtful discussion about DD and how it was going in our relationship.  I told him I absolutely appreciate everything he does for me, and that I could not have imagined DD going this well so soon.  Then I told him that the love and respect I have for him as my HoH feels so good, that I want this dynamic to be present between us every day.

I admitted I was having a hard time feeling submissive, and that I felt like I needed to break a rule in order to bring out the HoH in him.  I told him that it was important to me to follow the rules, because they are good for me, yet I still wanted to feel submissive toward him and to be reminded of my place without having to "provoke" it.

In the end, I asked him nicely if he would be willing to find one moment each day to give me an order, and he agreed to do it, on the condition that I make a list of ideas for him.  I wholeheartedly agreed, because I've been building a list of DD scenarios in my head for approximately 20 years now, and this is a great way for me to tell him what I want, and simultaneously leave the decision up to him.

So, I'm in the midst of writing what I've coined "The Orders List", and I promise to share a portion (or all) of it when I'm finished.

When the discussion was over, I felt like we both had heard and understood each other, which doesn't always happen in our marital "discussions."  I came up with some tips for my future self (and other subs!) that I believe will work during discussions on DD:

  • Always begin with appreciation--this is the man you love who agreed to do this for you; tell him how grateful you are.
  • Explain how you feel without accusations.
  • Gently suggest what might make the situation better, ask nicely for what you want, and offer to do something in return.
  • Accept the answer he gives, and, most importantly, listen to what he says.
  • Go and live it.
Really, these tips hold true for a discussion on anything.  I think it is important to maintain gratitude and respect during any disagreement, but I believe our DD relationship has truly revealed the necessity of these feelings.  In the heat of the moment, these tips can be hard for me to remember, but I think practicing these every time we talk about our relationship will lead to many fruitful discussions and a desire to make each other happy for years and years to come.


  1. Good tips for any relationship and or marriage!

    I see things a bit differently regarding your Orders list.
    It is not necessarily about him "giving you more opportunities to be more submissive" and "giving you orders".
    - Perhaps you should try giving - him- the opportunity to be dominant.

    This isn't a straight forward as it sounds or what you are asking for in reverse.
    Remember, this is also about him.

    In order to be lead you must let him lead - all the time.

    Showing confidence in him and not nagging on everyday things will all ultimately reflect in the end result you want. He needs to be feel like he is dominant. From everyday gestures and reinforcements on your part he will pick up on that. Don't wait for orders, but your submissive gestures without his prompting will reenforce that.

    I could go on, but in brief I think you can follow what I am getting at.

    1. You make a very good point. I already try hard not to nag and to show confidence in him, but I could always do better, I'm sure. Perhaps I can also make a list for myself of things I can do to make him feel dominant.