Shopping for Respect

My husband taught me a lesson in respecting him last night :(

Over the weekend, we went grocery shopping together.  There are two things wrong with that scenario:

1. Grocery shopping on a weekend.
2. Grocery shopping with my husband.

It was a madhouse, and I was not in a good mood by the end of the trip.  To make matters worse, we decided to go through the self-checkout line, and we both fed cash into the machine at the same time.

After I completed the total by feeding in a $20, my husband continued to put more change into the machine.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING???  I ALREADY GAVE IT THE FULL AMOUNT!!" I yelled, knowing that it would only spew more change back out at us.  And, as we walked out of the store, I would not drop the subject, asking what the heck he was doing putting more change in, and didn't he notice that I had given it the proper amount, and so on and so forth.

I'm not sure why I made such a big deal out of it.  I have no excuses.  I also did not realize how loud I was and how embarrassed my husband was.  Later, when I realized he was upset, I felt really badly about disrespecting him--especially in public.

I apologized, but, in our particular relationship, I knew an "I'm sorry" wasn't going to cut it.

Last night, I paused a TV show we were watching to cuddle with him, and he pulled back and sent me to the bedroom to wait. "Here it comes," I thought.

I was lectured as I went over his lap for my impending doom.  I decided early on that I would take it the best I could without squirming, back-talking, or trying to get out of anything.  My man is not one for implements, but I knew this was a serious spanking because he used three.  He started with his hand, moved to a wooden spatula, and finished with his belt.  The belt really hurt.  I can't even remember the last time he used it, but it is so whippy and stingy, and it was all I could do not to crawl away and hide.

Afterward, he sent me to the corner and asked me to come up with six things I was going to do to respect him from now on.  Then he made me stand in front of him and name them off (this is harder than it sounds--remembering a list of 6 things under pressure!).  Here was my list:

1. Do what he asks me to do.
2. Speak respectfully to him all the time, regardless of my mood.
3. Follow the rules he's given me.
4. Respect myself--when I respect myself I can better respect him.
5. Do nice things for him.
6. Ummm...oh my gosh, I can't remember the last one! (Hopefully he isn't reading this!)

He promised a much more severe punishment the next time I disrespect him in public.  I think I will set myself up for success and simply avoid grocery shopping with him on the weekend!  Why test myself unnecessarily??

Reasons to Have Gentler Sex: Memory Foam Edition

I hope that this will ever be the one and only entry in my just-thought-up "Reasons to Have Gentler Sex" series, but let's face it, sex isn't like the movies, and sometimes it just goes wrong.  And especially for those of us who like to be dominated, there are definitely going to be times when things must come to a halt because of unintentional pain.

I wanted to share a comical thing that happened the other night.  Well, it's comical now, but at the time it was rather frustrating.

My husband and I had been stuck in our usual routine for several days with no DD, spanking, or sex. The other night, as I was undressing to get ready for bed, he came at me aggressively, slapping my bottom, rubbing me, pulling my hair...

I murmured my approval, and thought "ah, now we're finally going to have some fun."  I was getting excited and turned on, I wrapped my legs around him, and he lifted me up and threw me down onto the bed...

Now, let me interrupt here and say that we recently bought a memory foam mattress, which is terrific for sleeping.  I sink right in at night, it contours to my body, and, best of all, I can't feel my husband tossing and turning because the whole material is incredibly shock absorbing.

As foamy and comfy as the mattress is, however, it is not great for aggressive sexual throw-downs.  In fact, it is so shock absorbing, it is impossible to bounce on it--it sort of feels like trying to bounce on wet sand. And when my head hit the mattress, it did feel like it hit wet sand, sufficiently bringing our adult fun to a premature end.

I lay there with my hands on my head, moaning and venting about how something always has to go wrong, blah blah blah.

It was a temporary setback.  I went to bed with a headache and woke up fine the next morning.  And we eventually finished what we started ;)  But, in the future, I guess my husband will have to avoid the passionate throw-downs...unless he takes me to the guest bedroom.

I Ate the Chocolate

Heavenly

It's that time of month where I crave nachos and chocolate (perhaps even simultaneously...mmm, that sweet/salty combo), and it also happens to be that time of year when all kinds of delicious chocolates come wrapped in pastel colors with an assortment of buttery, sugary fillings on the inside.

Well, this post isn't about those particular candies, because I didn't buy any Easter chocolates this year (go  me!).

However, my husband decided to make homemade almond-butter filled chocolate eggs, and this was my downfall.  He made a lot of them, because he decided to sell them at work as a fundraiser.  But before they made it out the door and onto the table at work, quite a few of them made it into my stomach.

Eating the eggs wasn't the real problem though--he didn't mind that I had a couple.  It was eating the ingredients before they were even made that was a problem!  

I've told my husband in the past that if sweet, chocolatey things go uneaten for 24 hours and are still around, he's lost his chance to eat them before I do.  But I tried really hard not to eat the bars of semi-sweet baker's chocolate sitting out on the counter for 2 days.  I begged and pleaded to have just one square, and even managed to abstain for a full day, but then, one morning, thought, "OK, just one square...there will still be enough."

Surprise, one square turned into two...and then the whole bar.  I confessed over the phone.

"You will have a replacement bar of chocolate on the counter by the time I get home from work," said my husband.

"Done!" I said.  And I went to Target to get a new bar of chocolate (they didn't have the same brand, so it was even more painfully obvious that I'd eaten the whole bar when I placed the new one on the counter.)

Later that night my husband pulled me over his lap to spank me for eating the chocolate.  It was slightly playful, because he knows how hard it is for me to refrain from eating sweets when they're in the house (we usually don't keep them around).  But he was actually a bit disappointed.

Seriously, though?  He leaves three bars of chocolate sitting out on a counter around a PMSing woman and is disappointed when she eats one?  I understand an HoH testing his wife, but, come on, this was an obvious set-up for failure!

Happy Easter everyone--may your day be filled with un-forbidden chocolates and lots of fun with family and friends!

What Changed My Mind

There is a family of five that lives next door to us--a husband, wife, and three children--with whom we get along pretty well, helping each other shovel snow, getting together for occasional meals, etc... Unfortunately, the husband is away a lot for his job.  Now, I know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship with a significant other, but I can't imagine the stress of essentially being a single mom of three children while the other is away.  Last week, when the husband returned home from a month-long trip away, my husband and I made homemade pizza and took it over to eat dinner with them.

The whole meal was incredibly awkward.  The wife was constantly making bitter, sarcastic remarks toward her husband and instigating arguments about household issues that should have been private.  I don't know who I felt sorrier for--the husband, who was trying to ease the tension by essentially ignoring her and carrying on with conversation, or the wife, who obviously had tons of built-up resentment and bitterness.

I was so grateful to be home after that long evening, but I was even more grateful for the relationship I have with my husband and for the way I treat him with respect when we're alone and with other people.  I was also grateful for the way we now deal with disrespect, resentment, and bitterness, and how there seems to be less and less of it as we continue down the DD path.

Sometimes I think DD would save a lot of marriages.  But then I realize that a woman really has to be in the right mindset and has to truly understand the benefits of submission in order to commit to it.  The act of submission must be a choice made in full understanding of what it entails and what it will most likely produce.

I know there are those who read our blogs and are disgusted by what seems like a woman giving up her right to control her own life.  Those of us in DD know that this is not the case, but how do we explain it to someone who only sees that?  Should we even worry about trying to explain it?  Is it one of those things where you either "get it" or you don't?

I used to be in the "outsider" group when it came to DD.  It sounds quite harsh, but I'll admit I used to think women in DD relationships were childish, dependent, and not capable of self-motivation or self-accountability.  And even though I'm now living the lifestyle, I understand where my old self is coming from. I understand that someone may read this blog and think those sames things.

When I try to think of what changed my mind about DD, I'm really at a loss.  The truth is, I have no idea what changed my mind or even when it happened.  Unfortunately, it was no thanks to anyone in blogland, because, when I brought DD up to my husband, I hadn't read spanking blogs in months.

I think that I was looking for a way to fall in love with my husband all over again, and, this time, in such a way that I could show him the honor, respect, and admiration he deserves.  My husband is an amazing guy, and, before DD, I certainly loved him, but I often lacked respect for him.  I felt more like my neighbor and less like an affectionate, loving wife.  I would feel bad when I disrespected him, but all I could say was "sorry" and move on. There was no other way of clearing my guilt, and the process of disrespect and the subsequent "I'm sorry" repeated itself over and over again, with the consequence often being an entire evening ruined by our resulting bad moods.

DD hasn't fixed every bad mood and argument, but I am way more conscious of the things I say to my husband and the way I treat him now.  I am more aware of how my words and actions affect him.  The way I treat my husband is one of the best aspects of DD (I think he would agree with me), and I think most of us would agree that DD is not primarily about the submissive being held accountable for things, although, that is a part of it.  It is ultimately about treating the person we love the way they deserve to be treated.

I hope my neighbors can work out their issues.  I'm certainly not going to suggest DD, but, with any luck, she will stumble across one of our blogs, laugh at how ridiculous it seems, and then dwell on it, come back for more out of curiosity, research similar blogs, and come to the realization that this lifestyle could really benefit their marriage.

A Short Essay on Following Instructions

I would like to share with you all the essay I wrote for my husband about following his instructions.  It was a heartfelt, meaningful exercise for me to do, because it made me realize how important it is for me to honor his effort at being my HoH (I use Dominant in the essay, since HoH is not really a term he's familiar with):

Why It’s Important for Me to Follow Instructions

In such a short time, DD has not only improved our marriage, but it has also created in me a level of respect and admiration for you that I have never felt for anyone before.  I love you more and more every single day for who you are and for who you try to be for me, and it means everything to me to keep going in this lifestyle for as long as possible.  I have asked you to step into a role that does not come naturally to you, and, out of love for me, you have made every effort to fulfill this role in our relationship.  

One of the ways you have stepped into your role is to give me orders and instructions when you are not around.  When I don’t follow these instructions, not only am I failing to fulfill my role in this relationship, but I am also undermining your dominant role and your attempts at making this work.

When I disregard your instructions, I undermine your authority, and I completely negate the work and the effort you have put into being dominant.  When I disregard your instructions, I am ultimately saying that I’m not willing to put the same amount of effort into being submissive as you are into being dominant.  This is not how I want to behave from now on.  I want to respect and encourage the effort you are putting in to this commitment, so it is important for me to follow any instructions you give me to the best of my ability.  

As you have told me in the past, when I fail to follow your instructions, I am ultimately failing to uphold my end of a commitment we have made to each other.  When I disregard your orders for me, I am putting my immediate needs and wants ahead of the long term health of our relationship.  It is selfish of me to challenge your instructions when I have already seen how much DD has done for our relationship.  I feel more affectionate, more connected, more loving, and more respectful of you as my husband, and when I don’t follow your instructions, I weaken the stronger bond that we have so far created together with this lifestyle.

From now on, I will not disregard your instructions or try to skirt my way around them.  I want to recognize your dominant role in this relationship by immediately doing what you tell me to do without questioning it or putting it off.  By doing this, I will not only uphold my end of the commitment, but I will also help you to uphold yours.  Our relationship works best when we both help each other to uphold our roles, and I do not help you uphold your role by neglecting your instructions for me.  

I know I sound like a broken record, but I appreciate so much what you are doing for me and for our relationship.  I am nearly brought to tears of happiness every time I think of how you have accepted me for who I am and have embraced my “strange” desires and needs.  I feel like I cannot do enough to thank you for stepping into your role, but I know that, at the very least, I can honor and appreciate your role by doing as I’m told.

His response to me:

Your essay is heart-felt and addresses the importance of following directions, especially in terms of our current relationship.  Based on what I've read, you understand the importance of doing what you're told to honor our relationship.  I will hold you to that effort.  

As you know I love and respect you, but it hurts when my efforts are undermined by willful disobedience.  I look forward to your honest effort to follow instructions.

The Moment of Untruth

Halfway through the day yesterday, I received a text ordering me to go get the laundry from downstairs and to stand in the corner for 10 minutes and contemplate how I can avoid forgetting these things--you see, he also told me to bring the clothes up the night before so he could have a clean undershirt in the morning...and I forgot.  He told me to take pictures of myself in the corner as proof that I was doing it.

So, I took pictures of myself in the corner 10 minutes apart...but I didn't actually stand in the corner for 10 minutes :(  I know I should have.  I know it's for my own good and it's good practice for me in patience, but I have a really hard time doing it even when he's hovering over me.  I could not seem to bring myself to stand there for 10 minutes.  So, after that horrible little exercise in deceit, I got ready for the gym and left to go workout.

I arrived home from the gym later on to find him home from work early, and my stomach sank...I still hadn't brought the clothes up from downstairs.  He was not supposed to be home this early!  I walked tentatively into the bedroom, and he was packing for his drill this weekend.  He approached me with a stern look on his face.

"Young lady, I told you twice to bring those clothes up from downstairs," he said.

"I didn't think you were going to be home this early!  I was going to go get them before you got home from work," I protested.

"When I tell you to do something, you should do it right away.  You could have saved yourself a lot of pain by doing as you were told the first time I told you to do it," he said, and with that, he lowered my workout pants and underwear, bent me over the bed and sat down beside me.

I was unjustifiably upset.  I was planning on getting the clothes before he came home, but, in my defensiveness, I could not realize at that moment that I really should have gotten them the night before.  As I was bent over the bed receiving hard slaps on my sweaty bare bottom (a spanking hurts a lot more after a workout for this very reason), I wasn't even thinking of the corner time lie until he brought it up:

"You don't seem to care about this, young lady.  I texted you earlier to go get those clothes and you didn't do it.  You sent me those pictures in the corner, but maybe you just took pictures 10 minutes apart.  Did you actually stand in the corner like I told you to?" he asked.

Oh God, here was the moment of truth--the deciding factor in whether I can own up to my blatant disregard. I hesitated and failed miserably:

"Yes, sir, I did."

I immediately regretted it.  He sensed my hesitation, and questioned it.  I sighed deeply, knowing that I had really messed up:

"No, sir, I didn't do it."

At this point, he effectively pinned me in with his arm around my waist and, with his other hand, delivered a hell of a spanking that had me squealing, squirming, and trying to escape.

I felt so bad.  He told me to pull up my pants and go stand in the corner for 20 minutes while he finished packing.  He told me not to waste his time by being restless and fidgety in the corner--he didn't want to have to correct me again while he was busy packing for his trip.

I stood there honorably for 7 minutes, when he called me to come sit down on the bed.

"I need to leave soon, and I need you to drive me to the rental car agency.  Because you didn't get to finish your corner time, you will write me a three paragraph essay by this Saturday on why following instructions as soon as I give them is important to you and to our relationship.  Got it?" he asked.

"Yes, sir," I looked at him and nodded.  And with that, I finally fell into his arms, forgiven.

We had time for some other farewell activities before I had to drive him to the agency, and they left me teary-eyed because I really miss him when he goes away, even if it's for three days.  I don't want to think about what his month-long trip will be like this summer.  For now, three days is more than enough of a break, and no amount of essay-writing is going to take the place of his firm hand.

Asking in Detail

"Will you please give me a long, hard, firm maintenance spanking tonight?  As a reminder :)"

That was the text I sent my husband at work on Friday.  His reply:

"Perhaps, young lady.  Are you forgetting who's boss?"

"Perhaps :)" I said.

Fast forward to him arriving home from work.  I practically jumped him.  I was soooo turned on by the dream I'd had the night before, I couldn't contain my excitement at the prospect of intimacy.  He knew how anxious I was, but he suggested we go for a motorcycle ride since it was nice out.  I asked if we could "take care of some things" first, but he reminded me that he was hungry, it would be dark and cold soon, and the perfect riding temperature wouldn't last.  He was right, so I begrudgingly put on layers and went for a lovely ride (not that kind of ride) with my husband on some previously undiscovered back roads and towns.

When we got home, my husband laid in bed and promptly fell asleep.

:(

This happens occasionally, especially at the end of the week when he's really tired from early mornings.  I figured, oh well, I can wait till tomorrow morning, and I stayed up watching TV and reading.

When I tiptoed into the bedroom at midnight, I took my clothes off to put my PJ's on, and I was yanked unexpectedly into bed and over my obviously-awake-husband's lap.

"I thought you were sleeping, sir," I said, as he smacked my bottom with his hand.

"Well, I'm awake now, and you're going to get your spanking.  Have you been naughty?" he asked.

"No, sir," I said.

"Have you thought about being naughty?" he asked.

"Not that I can think of, sir," I said.

Pause.

The spanking died down and he patted my bottom and we talked for a while.  This was not going where I wanted it to.  I wanted it firm and hard, not because I was naughty, but because I was his and he could spank me hard if he wanted to.

And therein lies the conundrum that I know many of you encounter in this lifestyle.  I wanted my husband to spank me hard, but I wanted him to want to do it, and I wanted him to do it because he wanted to and not because I wanted him to.  And I didn't want to want him to do it when he wanted to.  Confused yet? ;)

Anyway, he sensed that I was disappointed, and he told me to speak up.  He asked me what I would do in this situation if I were the dominant one, and I told him that I would start over, put "my sub" in the corner, and then firmly bring "my sub" back for a long, hard spanking with implements because I'm the dominant one and I can do what I want.

It felt silly telling him what I would do if I were the dominant one, but it worked...it more than worked.  He stepped back into HoH mode and told me that my requests for "long, firm spankings" were too vague, and that if I wanted something from him I needed to ask specifically for what I want with details.  He then sent me to the corner to think about how I would phrase my requests in the future and what I would do to better communicate my desires to him.

While in the corner, I heard him rummaging around in our implement bag, and my stomach dropped.  It had been a while since he'd used implements.  Then, I felt hair tickling my back so I lifted my hand to brush it off. I'm supposed to keep my hands at my sides when I'm in the corner, and he caught me itching and smacked my bottom with a wooden spatula.  Oh my gosh, did it HURT.  I was shocked at how unprepared I was for that wood, and nearly in tears after only a few smacks.

I was told to turn around and tell him how I would communicate in the future.  My answer was not confident enough for him, so back to the corner I went :(

Eventually, I was back over his lap for my long, firm spanking with his hand and various wooden implements.

I don't know why I ask for these things.

It was everything I wanted and everything I didn't want.  It was painful, pleasureful, exciting, scary, passionate.  All I had to do was describe in exact detail what I wanted.  And was that awkward?  Only for a moment, but it enabled my husband to take control in the best way possible.

I know it seems counter-intuitive to tell my dominant partner what to do, and it may seem like I'm "topping from the bottom," but this sort of detailed communication from me absolutely works for us.  I think we all learn the hard way that husbands aren't mind-readers, and, especially if they aren't natural born spanko-tops, how on earth should they know what we want in this lifestyle if we don't tell them exactly?

I think no one can "naturally" fall into dominance without any sort of guidance and control from the sub.  And yes, I say "control" from the sub, because I do have control--I have control over my right to communicate my wants and needs with my partner, and that is something I can never relinquish.  I do believe that the moment I give up control of that, our relationship will spiral downward.  One could say that I maintain control of this one thing so that I can give up control in other things.  For us, it's not so much that he takes control; it's more a gentle passing back and forth at this point in our lifestyle.

That may change in the future--there may come a time when I won't have to ask in detail for him to take control.  But for now, this type of communication works, and it is my responsibility from now on to be specific and direct with him.